Last month I focused on some of Lois Lane's many weddings. She may be in love with Superman, but she's good at saying yes regardless of the groom. This month, we'll stretch our focus a bit, because, although Lois is still eagerly saying yes, others are joining in the fun.
Keeping with the Superman family for a bit, who else tied the knot? Jimmy Olsen jumped into the fray on more than one occasion. In Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #21 he marries Lois Lane (boy do I wish I owned that comic to see how that crazy story came about) and in Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #36 he has a drug-induced fantasy about marrying Lucy Lane while sitting in the dentist's chair. Even this fantasy isn't without a price. Lucy makes him break off all contact with Superman as her condition for an 'I do.’ With a sad heart, Jimmy agrees. He quits the Planet, becomes a milkman and appeases his desire to hang out with his pal by visiting his Superman souvenir collection in secret. In the end, Lucy relents and Jimmy gives the dental assistant a big hug as the gas wears off. A very weird story but not surprising in a book that embraced “weird” on a monthly basis.
In Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #100 we're treated to his “Weirdo Wedding.” (More weirdness? Oh yeah, show us what you've got, Jimmy!) Again he marries Lucy Lane and naturally, mayhem is the order of the day. He drinks a serum to give him a super physique, gets hit on by several of the female Legionnaires, gets a wedding gift of a mansion from Superman and still manages to not quite live happily ever after because Superman breaks up the wedding. That boy was destined to be a bachelor.
Supergirl also had a number of romances. In Action Comics #307 she falls madly in love with Tor-An, a fellow Kryptonian. He appears to be the perfect man for her. He has a tragic history that parallels Superman (he claims to have been rocketed to Earth when Krypton blew up), impresses Linda's adopted parents and sweeps Kara off her feet with romantic notes and promises. Unfortunately, we know he's an escaped criminal from the phantom zone. The merman Jerro and Comet the Superhorse take turns warning her of the danger because he blocked their attempts to read his thoughts. Supergirl isn't persuaded. She simply assumes both former suitors (yes, her horse is in love with her — is that odd?) are jealous. When she gets to the alter it looks like all is lost until it's revealed that Saturn Girl did a last-minute switcheroo with Supergirl. Apparently Kara was willing to listen to her fellow Legionnaire and realized that Tor-An was not who he pretended to be.
Even Superman gave marriage a go on more than one occasion. Last month we covered his marriage to Lois Lane in the very first Imaginary Tale (Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #19). The second Imaginary Tale had him marrying Lana Lang in Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #26.(Oh, the irony that he did so in Lois's own book!) This marriage doesn't fare any better than the first. He gives Lana a potion to give her superpowers and she ends up saving him from Kryptonite on more than one occasion. He is humiliated that his wife is more powerful than he is (due to her superior invulnerability) and Lana can't take the gossip about him being saved by his wife. She gives him a tearful, melodramatic goodbye and flies off into space to look for a world in need of a superhero.
Superman #162 has Superman marrying Lana Lang once again. He also marries Lois Lane. No, there's no divorce or death: this is the story of Superman Red and Superman Blue, one of the more famous Imaginary Tales. Most of the story isn't about the weddings of his two incarnations, but they do play an important role. Red marries Lois and they stay on Earth. Blue marries Lana and they head for New Krypton (the colorful versions of Superman perform several miraculous feats, including enlarging Kandor and establishing a duplicate of Krypton on another planet). This story actually manages to keep the principals married and have a happy ending. A true anomaly in a story that involves a marriage!
Action Comics #388 is a study in weirdness. Superman comes home from a mission in space and finds the world has gone topsy-turvy and tutti-frutti. Everything is wrong. This is a wild, insane story that tries to out-bizarre the bizzaros (although Bizarro is present, as is Mxyzptlk, although neither has a hand in what happened). It isn't just the craziness of the planet that has Superman worried, it's also the fact that he's to marry Lois Lane in less than 24 hours. After many a misadventure with half of his arch-villains (most of whom have no villainy in this issue) Superman finally figures out that someone was messing with the planet. We are left with the happy image of the duplicate Lois and Superman riding through the streets in the Batmobile, now happily wed. That's two happy marriages! Superman is on a role (even if one was imaginary and the other an anomaly).
Moving beyond the Superman family it feels time to visit Wonder Woman comics. She doesn't disappoint. One of my favorite goofy covers of all time shows Wonder Woman marrying a monster in a story aptly titled, “I Married a Monster.” He's green and ugly, she's beautiful and blissful. This can't be good. The book-length story shows us a very disagreeable monster and the extraordinary lengths Wonder Woman goes to in order to welcome the monster when his island drops from the sky into the waters near Paradise Island. After having a run-in with Steve Trevor, Mer-Man and Bird-Man, she's tired of her suitors' constant attention and talk of love. Her solution appears to be to fall in love with a monster who hates women. I think Diana could've used a little therapy at this point because she was absolutely relentless in her pursuit of this beast and he was nothing but nasty. That is, until he has one nice moment and suddenly turns into a handsome prince. Wondy decides she's the woman who can turn his life around and keep him handsome, but alas, even her charms aren't enough to keep his monstrous side from reappearing. The wedding is off. The best part of the story? We learn that Wonder Woman has gills behind her ears so that she can stay underwater indefinitely. I kid you not.
There's a Prince and the Pauper twist to Wonder Woman #194's wedding tale. Diana is a look-alike for the princess of a small kingdom and because someone is trying to kill the princess, Wondy takes her place. This issue came out during Wonder Woman's karate-chopping, no powers phase, so she relies on her martial arts skills to get her out of some narrow scrapes. It's a fun story and in this comic, there's a happy ending for the wedding couple and Diana lives to date again.
There are many more wedding covers, crazy marriage stories, and imaginary tales of bliss and heartache, but this is sample enough. What did we learn? With only a few exceptions, it is never a good idea to get married in a DC book in the silver and early bronze ages. “I Don't” is a whole lot safer than “I Do.”
Joanna Sandsmark — A former writer for DC Comics and TV’s Weird Science, Joanna Sandsmark is also the author of The Wisdom of Yo Meow Ma, A Girl’s Best Friend, 10 Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn From Your Cat, 10 Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn From Your Dog and Explore Your Destiny With Runes. If you'd like to learn more, including a detailed bio and more information about Joanna's books please visit her Web site or visit her blog.
This is a guest article. The thoughts and opinions in this piece are those of their author and are not necessarily the thoughts of the Certified Collectibles Group.
