Oh, that wacky Superman! He sure has the devil of a time keeping his secret identity secret. It happens so often I'm beginning to suspect there was a calendar at the DC offices that assigned an “Oops, you know my secret!” story every couple of weeks to a different book in the Superman family. Sure, other characters had the same problem, but Superman appeared to be the absolute king of having that “S” on his chest hanging out for all to see.
Perhaps the best place to start is with Action Comics #305 in the aptly titled story, "Why Superman Needs a Secret Identity!" The cover tells us this is "Told for the FIRST time!" You know, I don't remember reading this as a kid and yet I knew why he needed ol' Clark Kent. Perhaps it's because nearly every time he changed identities there was a thought balloon or a text box telling us a) he's changing identities, b) Clark isn't really a coward; Superman just pretends to be so he can get away, and c) Superman's enemies would kill the people closest to him if anyone knew his secret identity. Because I do not own every DC comic ever printed, I'll take their word that Action Comics #305 is the first time we learned why he needed a secret identity. (Just like I took their word that "c" above is true despite the whole world knowing Lois is his girlfriend and Jimmy is his pal but they're apparently not worth killing as simply girlfriend and pal. Lois has to be his wife to count and Jimmy... well, I have no idea what would make Jimmy count.)
Action Comics #305 begins by putting Clark Kent in a difficult position. Benny the Blaster (thank goodness Benny took up a crime where there was an alliterative nickname) is threatening to blow up a hospital room with a vial of nitroglycerine. A doctor, Jimmy Olsen and Clark Kent are in the room. What does Superman do? He could change into Superman and have his career ruined or he could let everyone die. He can't do the latter so he's in a fix. At this point, we leave this tense situation for speculation. What would happen if Superman gave up his secret identity?
First we see him as Superboy with Ma and Pa Kent urging him to drop the secret because they're tired of having people think their boy is a wimp. Here we are with yet another story where what other people think is more important than anything else (In one of the Lois Lane marriages outlined awhile back she was unhappy because she couldn't brag about her hubby). Naturally, disaster strikes as soon as they make this fateful decision. Superboy comes out to a crowd and within a couple of panels Ma and Pa Kent are gunned down by one of Superboy's enemies. Okay, not a good plan.
Next we see Superman moving to Metropolis. This is also a disaster as no one will leave him alone for five minutes. Because everyone knows where he lives, Lex Luthor is able to set a trap outside his apartment, shooting kryptonite at him. Unable to be effective living such a public life he exiles himself to his fortress of solitude. He winds up bored and bitter.
That didn't end well so we start a new imaginary story with Superman arriving in Metropolis in his Clark Kent identity. One night Jimmy almost surprises Supes as he's changing into his secret ID. Although sworn to secrecy, Jimmy immediately brags about Superman working at the Planet. Mobsters find out and set a trap — a two-way mirror in the store room (why didn't Superman notice that the store room suddenly had a large, unnecessary mirror on the wall? I have no idea). The mobsters catch him changing and trick him into handling gold kryptonite that steals all his powers. Oops, another bad outcome.
Let's try it again. Superman saves everyone from the bomb but his cover is blown. He then puts on a blonde wig, a fake moustache, gives himself a new name (Mark Trent) and tries to join the police department. It's a good idea — he'll be right in the thick of things when it comes to crime and the moustache screams "cop" (watch any episode of COPS, count the 'staches, and you'll see for yourself). Much as his physical prowess is admired, "Mark" hits trouble when he has to fill out an application. Mark Trent didn't exist a day ago and has no social security number, birthplace, diploma, etc.
It's no good. He can't get work as a cop and because he has no history, he can't get work, period. He ends up being a vagrant and gets arrested by the same department he’d hoped to join. Yet another failure in the secret ID game.
With only 10 seconds before Benny the Blaster drops his vial of nitro, and with a head full of bad outcomes to exposing his secret ID, Clark uses his heat vision to melt a syringe into a straw and drink the nitro out of the vial while everyone in the room stares at the clock and counts down. Problem solved and no one noticed Clark's super feats.
Now that we know several possible futures for an out of the ID closet Superman, the stakes are raised in any other comic we read! What if we have to watch Mark Trent become a vagrant again? What if his moustache falls off at an inopportune moment? What if that two-way mirror in the supply closet reveals that Lois is having an affair with Perry White? Oh, the humanity!
Are you sufficiently frightened? Excellent! Next month we'll explore several instances when Superman's secret identity is discovered. We'll also learn that Jimmy Olsen is NOT to be trusted.
Joanna Sandsmark — A former writer for DC Comics and TV’s Weird Science, Joanna Sandsmark is also the author of The Wisdom of Yo Meow Ma, A Girl’s Best Friend, 10 Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn From Your Cat, 10 Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn From Your Dog and Explore Your Destiny With Runes. If you’d like to learn more, including a detailed bio and more information about Joanna’s books please visit her Web site or visit her blog.
This is a guest article. The thoughts and opinions in this piece are those of their author and are not necessarily the thoughts of the Certified Collectibles Group.
