Crisis on Infinite Message Boards - Trade Paperback Edition!

[minutekev@50]

I started looking through the Crisis posts and couldn't recall what part I had ended with...therefore for the newbies as well as the folks that's been reading and enjoying Joanna's on-going saga of murder, mayhem and very short shorts, I thought I'd collect the posts in order...read and enjoy! PS: the first few issues are in this post and the rest follow....

All content copyright Joanna...(Do you realize this thing was 83 pages in MS Word?!??! Keep going and you'll have a book!)

 

Issue 1

Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/blackshotzy/comic-keys, I think he needs a complete reworking.

 

Known now as "The Trimmer" because his new origin is as an aerobics instructor in Fresno, with superpowers that allow him to magically trim the fat off of the middle-aged, alcoholic, ex-wives of Fresno's mid-level executives. Once, he dreamed of being in the ballet, but his hopes were dashed by chronic hamstring problems. Now, an embittered, balding, Richard Simmons wannabe, he spends his nights drinking Mogen David wine while yelling catty remarks at the women on reality shows.

 

Issue 2 of Crisis on Infinite Message Boards: The Fate of MajorKhaos!

 

Fearing the penalty box, Khaos retires his superhero name and begins wandering from con to con, looking for direction. Depressed and craving the sugar he knows he cannot have, he inadvertently ends up in a costume contest at the Mid-Ohio con. To his shock and delight, he wins! As the judges put it, "With your finely-etched features, saucy legs and hairy back, you made the perfect Saturn Girl!"

 

With a renewed sense of purpose, Khaos begins his reign as KostumeKween, hopping from con to con with 7 suitcases full of spandex, aluminum foil and a twill weave. When other wannabes drop out at the mere sight of his satin pumps, he realizes that he must conquer other worlds. Soon he's seen as "Evil Willow" at the Jacksonville Bufferama, as "Season Five Xena, the Pregnant Warrior" at the Fort Lee Xena con and as a very special 7 of 9 based on some slash Deep Space 9 fanfic at the Seattle "Where No Man Has Gone Before" con.

 

Drunk with power, and sensing his own tragic fall, he gives up his quest for spandex glory to sit in front of a computer posting as Pugapoo, the naughty but lovable forum troll who spends his days copying all of Bug's posts backwards. In this new mirror world, the former MajorKhaos finds love and contentment with a cat named Whisker n' Soda, and their pet fleas, the Dancing Wallendas.

 

Issue 3: The Transformation of greggy!

 

Tired of the constant innuendo and snide remarks on the forum, greggy retires to his viewing room, to gaze at his enormous collection of sweet, sweet DCs. Outside, a storm is brewing, but greggy has no fear within his pulp-filled temple. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes, melding him with a longbox of bronze age romance comics. Startled, but feeling unharmed, he rises only to discover that he has been transformed into Mylite The Conqueror -- able to make all men feel effeminate in comparison, and all women to swoon at the very sight of his forbidden beauty.

 

Donning a costume made of fused mylars, Mylite begins his quest for world conquest at a Burger King. The moment he walks through the door, men's wrists go limp, women swoon, and the manager asks him to frickin put some clothes on that aren't see-through. Mylite smites the manager, after asking for his order to go.

 

A whirlwind of destrution follows as no man is willing to stand up to him (though many offer to kneel) and no woman can resist him (though many offer to grade him, if he'll just remove the mylar).

 

The earth his for the taking, Mylite realizes that's it's all too easy. There are no challenges left. He longs for the days when his clothes weren't made of transparent archival plastic, and other humans could gaze at him without lust.

 

A broken, bitter hero, he loses a month of his life in an internet cafe drinking latés and telling anyone who'll listen how he was once had the highest post count on the CGC forums. With no one left to care about true glories like that, he uses his contest-winner coupon from the colletor's society to have himself slabbed. In the airless chamber, as his life ebbs, he congratulates himself on being a 9.6, though rues the day he stubbed his big toe, as the bruise knocked him down from a 9.8.

 

Issue 4: For Whom the Bug Tolls!

 

While riding his tricycle home from work, Bugaboo gets caught in the radiation from an experimental Black Flag flea and tick bomb. He is blown onto his back, legs and arms flailing helplessly in the air as his life passes before his eyes. He spies a pay phone and, by a systematic clenching and unclenching of his posterior cheek muscles, manages to scootch his way over, hoping his Dad will come pick him up. However, when he tries to grab a quarter, he realizes that his pocket change has formed a thin, metal skin across his entire body.

 

Calling himself the The Coinee Crusader, he decides to destroy any who would speak against the multitudes of coin collectors. He focuses his rage on comic book fans -- those whom once he loved -- thinking that those imbecilic upstarts don't know a good thing (coins) when they see'em. His anti-comic rampages become legendary as he stomps from house to house, peeing on longboxes and tossing a few state quarters in his wake to "pay for the loss of old, useless paper".

 

One of his first victims is KostumeKween (pre-crisis ID: MajorKhaos). The Coinee Crusader not only destroys KK's comic collection, but also his Captain Janeway tunic, his Rogue leotard and his Lois Lane man-bait orange dress. KostumeKween is reduced to a weeping, blonde-wigged tangle of fishnet stockings, vowing that he is too traumatized to do his Black Canary appearane at the Tucson Truck'n'Tack shop that evening. Coinee tosses him a New Hampshire quarter, saying, "Your career is as over as the mountain this coin was based on, manchild. Get some focus in your life and find yourself a full-step Jefferson!"

 

Leaving a wake of .5 destruction in his path, The Coinee Crusader battles it out with The Trimmer (pre-crisis ID: hammer) when he inevitably finds himself in the heart of Fresno. Trimmer battles valiantly, shouting, "I'll show you what toning is!" but it's to no avail. The Coinee Crusader attacks by trying to bounce an Indian Head nickel off Trimmer's abs. When the nickel gets caught in a love handle, Trimmer is banned for life from his aerobics class.

 

Is there anyone who can stop The Coinee Crusader? Stay tuned for more of Crisis On Infinite Message Boards...

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 5: Of Villains and Heroes

 

News of Coinee's comic destruction had made it to the ears of Joe Collector. "I knew it was all going to come crashing down. I told them! I told them! But did anyone listen to me? With my enormous intellect and wit, they should've hung upon my every lavish word, but no. I was without respect from those FOOLS! Those PUNY COMIC COLLECTORS! They'll PAY for this... with their useless slabbed moderns!"

 

Knowing that the universe was being destroyed without him and he had to hurry to catch up, he cut two eyeholes in his extra-large Snoopy lunchbox, jammed it onto his enormous cranium and safety-pinned a towel around his neck, proclaiming himself to be Dr. Gloom!

 

Meanwhile, three lads in a Volkswagon Jetta are having an argument. Supapimp claims that despite Justin's solo career, N'Sync is dead -- gone the way of Menudo and the Backstreet Boys. Bonds agrees, but with hesitation. In his mind, Justin is still a comer and has a few years left. Ariach continues to snore in the back seat, dreaming in rhyming couplets. Or coupling with dreamy rhymes. Or maybe he had just passed out.

 

Supa draws up to Batchelor of Comix's house and honks twice. Boc runs from the front door, does a cartwheel, throwing his hands back like a Romanian gymnast waiting for applause. "You'll never believe what happened!" he shouts. "I've found her! The woman who'll take the 'bachelor' out of my title once and for all!"

 

"Who is she?' the 3 lads ask in unison.

 

"My sweet, sweet Urethra!"

 

"We can wait. Go do your business, man," mumbles Pimpy.

 

"No, no! That's her name! Urethra Jackson. I saw her today on cops. She's a 437 pound ex-supermodel from Biloxi whose kids just got taken away because her trailer is a sty. Isn't that great? No kids! She's like heaven on earth. Or like a big fluffy cloud. A storm cloud. With a tornado for a heart and hands like pancakes. I've got to meet her."

 

"Well, hop in, man, let's book!"

 

Boc jumps in the back, waking Araich, while Supa turns the Jetta south, toward Biloxi. Suddenly, an alien craft hovers above them, showering them with radiation and Lemon Pledge. Before they have time to react, it's gone. Shocked, the quartet looks around and realizes that they are all wearing very tight yellow spandex. "Wha happened?" Bonds asks. "I dunno," Bonds answers. "Shut up, you guys," says Bonds.

 

That's when Bonds realizes he has just split into a dozen people. "I shall call myself Alias he says in unison with all his others Bonds's.

 

Supa notices he's become a giant, wooly mammoth. "Shi'ite, man -- this is frogging bizarre! I'm a Supafreak!"

 

"What does a mammoth have to do with anything?" mutters one of the Bonds.

 

Araich shrugs, then feels a strange pain in his belly. He opens his shirt only to see The Cartoon Network playing on a screen where once was his stomach. "And I've turned into a human satellite dish! Maybe none of these make sense." After thinking a moment or two, he says, "Call me Dishman! Or, or... Cableguy! No, wait -- Abs of Surreal! Or--"

 

"Shut up, Rerun" said Boc.

 

"No, that's the guy on What's Happenin!" Silence. "That's gonna stick, isn't it?"

 

"It's in bold, dork. Of course it is."

 

"Sigh."

 

Boc suddenly realizes that he hasn't found out what his power is. Immediately, he strips, to make sure nothing has gone missing. Everything is there in its original size. "What can I do?" He tries stretching, turning invisible, flying, and farting. Only the last is achievable. "No powers? What a rip!" Suddenly, he becomes an enormous smiley that rips itself in two. "Co" "ol," he says. "I'm Emoticon!.

 

"We need a team name," says Rerun.

 

"The Fantastic Four!" proclaims Emoticon.

 

"Taken," says Supafreak.

 

"I know! We'll be N'Superable!" says Alias.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Based on 'insuperable'? Impossible to overcome, get rid of, or deal with successfully? Like to villains, we'd be insuperable -- you get it?"

 

Eventually, after finding a dictionary and a thesaurus, they got it. And thus, The N'Superables were born!

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 6: Ebony Skies

 

Three men stand in a darkened alley, their figures shrouded by heavy overcoats, their shoulders hunched against the chill of winter's last, wheezing breaths.

 

"4 forums have been destroyed already, and I fear ours is next."

 

"The Philatelist board is gone and it's as if it was never there. When I mention it, no one seems to even remember it existed."

 

"Same with the Beany Baby Boards. Gone. Pfft."

 

"And the film collectables. Posters, photos, memorabilia -- and not a single person has any memory of them. They can't just disappear! I have SO many posters! What the hell am I going to do with a bunch of oversized pictures? Hang them on my wall?"

 

"We remember. And that means we have to do something. It's time we came out of retirement."

 

A hush seems to fall on the empty streets. Background traffic sounds fade into the night and even the chill breeze stops rustling the papers and societal detritus lining the gutters. Slowly, one of the men removes his overcoat, revealing the glitter of silver spandex topped with maroon boxers and matching epaulets. His eyes glow momentarily, a beacon in the ebony mist. "It's time for this House to light the way again."

 

"Hiding in plain sight. They never suspected us," says a chuckling round man with a giant hole through his middle. "I'll do some reconnaissance." With a nod to his friends, he launches himself into the night, his overcoat falling away to reveal the disappearing form of a Flying Donut.

 

"Well I wasn't 'hiding in plain sight'. I mean, what kind of superhero name is 'PovertyRow'? The ability to look homeless?"

 

Lighthouse laughs softly. "Oh, come on, Spelling Bee, no one was falling for that 'I make soooo many typos!" act."

 

"Says who they weren't!"

 

"The only one I worried about was Joanna, since she's such a grammar queen. I thought she was onto you."

 

"She as idiotic as the rest. No worries there." The Bee shakes off his coat revealing an oversized yellow and black costume with an extra pair of arms, large, fuzzy antenna shaped like dice, and a giant stinger glued to his butt. "Where's Donut? He should be back by now."

 

"Getting antsy?"

 

"Ha. Ha. Another insect joke. "

 

"You know how Golden Age humor is. A little corny, a little old-fashioned, but they did it first, by gum. They did it first."

 

"'Nuff said, House."

 

At that moment, Donut returns, his face ashen in the glaring light of House's eyes.

 

"Dear God, we're doomed..." he sputters, then dunks himself in a coffee-colored puddle and passes out.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Far above the multiple forums, a sinister presence watches a bank of monitors. He sees Bee and House trying to revive Donut. He sees N'Superable showering together. He sees Trimmer pour his fourth glass of Mogen David. He sees Mylite being probed by Borack, prior to slabbing. But his attention is on Coinee and Dr. Gloom. "Yes..." he whispers. "Soon."

 

Back to the GA forum...

 

Donut flies toward the nothingness with unerring aim, House looped inside his giant hole, Bee buzzing at his side. "Do you see it?" he asks.

 

"What? I don't see anything!" shouts Bee over the sound of his wings.

 

House focuses his eyes, illuminating the surrounding area as if it were daytime, yet ahead there is only blackness. "It's as if light can't penetrate."

 

"Nothing can. It's the Penalty Box. Somehow, it's all in there. I know it is. I can feel it."

 

"What is?"

 

"The missing worlds! Threads begin and disappear. They have to go somewhere! Perhaps the beany babies and the stamps and the movie memorabilia and all the other collectables are there as well."

 

"It's a theory," said Bee. "And so far, it's the only one we've got."

 

High above...

 

His wrests his attention from Dr. Gloom and Coinee as he sees the three heroes approaching. "Fools. You don't know what you're doing. No one can defeat...

 

The Archi-Moderator!"

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 7, Part One: Someone Dies

 

"Look! In the sky! What the...?"

 

Darthdiesel doesn't feel like looking. He has a new shipment from CGC and knows it's all about the grades. Will his son eat? Wll his wife play naughty umpire with his corked bat? If he has some 10's you bet she will!

 

"There's 3 of them!"

 

The crowd is growing thicker, mumbles turning to shouts as all eyes focus upward. Unable to resist, Darth glances toward the sky and nearly drops his box of fragile slabs. "Holy moley...!" he whispers. "It's them! It's the JBH!"

 

A woman standing next to him taps him on the shoulder. "JBH?"

 

"The Justa Buncha Heroes! They were huge way back in the olden days. But I thought they were all retired, or dead, or playing Scrabble in the park. I can't believe it -- the frickin' JBH! See the big round thing?"

 

"You mean that flying donut?

 

"No, that's Flying Donut. And through his middle is Lighthouse. And buzzing next to them is Spelling Bee! Damn, what I wouldn't give to join them."

 

"Well," says the woman, hesitating just a bit. "I do have a radioactive raspberry in my purse. You could eat it and see what happens."

 

For some reason, this seems quite logical to Darth. "'Kay!" He hands her his box of slabs - something he'd never do if he weren't pumped up on visions of heroic deeds with the JBH -- and chomps down the raspberry. Suddenly, it feels as though his entire body is being ripped apart from the inside. His screams of agony get a laugh or two from gman and shuley who are nearby, but soon even their guffaws are silenced. The crowd slowly parts to reveal Darth standing proudly, chest outthrust, buttocks lunging skyward, privates covered by a leaf and two stems in all his female glory. "By the seven moons of Penthouse, I've become Raspberry Toaster Pastry! My wife is gonna kill me." But after a moment's thought, he adds, "I soooo need to videotape us making out."

 

"Focus, RTP. You wanted to join the JBH, remember?" the woman reminds him.

 

"Oh yeah, right. The JBH. Got it. Um... so what sort of powers do you think I have?"

 

"Touch your right breast and you have the ability to make anything rise. Touch your left breast and you'll get a noxious stream of white goo that can entrap nearly anything."

 

"How do you know all this?"

 

"My brother put some on his Corn Flakes. The powers last 24 hours. Here's the rest of the bag." She hands him a Glad Sandwich Bag with several raspberries in it."

 

"Don't you have a Ziplock? They'll fall out."

 

"Do you want them or not?"

 

"Yoink!" he says, grabbing the bag. Then he touches his right breast, groans happily, and shoots into the air.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Why are we here, puny human?" booms Dr. Gloom.

 

"This bites, '!" adds Coinee.

 

"Silence! When you address the Archi-Moderator you must speak humbly and with humility and obsequiousness." Deena-myte slaps Coinee who begins crying like a baby.

 

"I'm telling your Mom!" he whimpers.

 

Gemma-Mint gives him a grape sucker, and that quiets him for the nonce.

 

"Sucker. Mmmm."

 

"You have performed well, my minions," says Archi-Moderator in his sepulchral voice. "But we have a small problem. Three men are even now approaching, readying for an attack."

 

Dr. Gloom and Coinee watch as the JBH draws ever closer. "They are no match for Dr. Gloom!" says Dr. Gloom. "My knowledge of the ways of old butter alone will fell them."

 

"Yeah, well, this really isn't a butter thing," says Archi. "I've put my Invisibles out there to intercept them. But this proves that not everyone has been fooled by the anti-forum cloud. Somehow they knew about the other forums."

 

"There are other forums?" asks Coinee.

 

"Silence, fool!" shouts Dr. Gloom. "Anyone with a brain knows there are other forums!" Beat. "So, um, which of the 'other forums' are you talking about, Archi? The... um... mphrbpl forum?"

 

"Liar!" screams Coinee. "You don't know about the other forums. You lied! You're a liar! You're a , a turd and a liar!"

 

The Archi-Moderator waves his hand and zippers appear on the mouths of both Coinee and Dr. Gloom. "Srike one. Now shut up and listen. I need you to go to all of the remaining forums and cause panic. Neutralize any other heroes so that nothing can interfere with my plans. Can you do that?"

 

Both men nod.

 

"Excellent. Go." He waves his hand and they disappear.

 

Issue 7, Part Two: Someone dies.

 

"Where can I go to talk to people who collect trading cards?"

 

"Trading cards? What are they?"

 

Chrisco37 turns away from the perplexed men staring at empty SGC slabs. "It's happening too fast. Another forum is gone. Why am I the only one who remembers it? Why am I talking out loud instead of thinking these things? Are thought balloons sooo difficult to write?"

 

Two men bump into Chrisco, knocking him down, but don't appear to notice. "It's Dupcak. I know it. He's behind this whole thing."

 

"Behind what?" asks Chrisco, getting lightly to his feet. "The missing forums? You know who's behind it?"

 

The men stop, wary and cautious and other words that mean the same thing. "Who are you? And how do you know about the missing forums?"

 

"Chrisco37. And I just... remember."

 

"I'm fantastic_four and this is clobberintime. We remember, too."

 

"Finally! We have to do something!"

 

"We were on our way to get dipped in radioactive acid. Wanna come?"

 

"Sure!"

 

Meanwhile...

 

"It's George Bush's fault."

 

"No way. Clinton did it."

 

"Okay, I've finished my cup of water. I think I'll go back to the comics forum," says Ubiquiti, opening the door to the main screen. "Holy inexplicable bubbling black skies! What is that?"

 

Ubiquiti is joined by a bunch of coinees who scream girlishly and run to their own forum. Standing alone, Ubi makes a dash for General Comics.

 

Dam, Bronzebruce, Zonker, Mushroom, Cosmicbob, Odin, Old guy, and Hkp hurry him inside then slam the server shut.

 

"What is it?" asks Dam.

 

"I don't know, but it's all over the place. It was munching on the SGC Registry earlier and had already eliminated the Testing, 1... 2... 3... area in the General Discussion. It almost got me as I passed!" Ubiquity paces nervously, unsure how to attack something that isn't named Bugaboo.

 

"We're going to need to band together to fight this thing. That means we'll need comraderie, a sense of brotherhood, tight costumes, and superpowers."

 

"Dibs on the tight costumes!" shouts Cosmicbob. Maybe that will get Shulkie to notice me... he thinks.

 

"I didn’t get the name Mushroom because I like fungus on my pizza. I have a special stash of spaceshrooms in my preferences file. Each one should have different effects, so be prepared for some wacky results."

 

"Wacky this. I'm not eating any stupid spaceshroom. I've got peyote."

 

"Peyote doesn't give you superpowers."

 

"Makes you think you have'em." Old guy smiles, remembering a self-discovery in his youth that is best left unexplained.

 

"Get the 'shrooms," says bronzebruce with a heroic lifting of his chin. "We're CGC forum members. Men of action. Perfect physical specimens with classic good looks, moral fibre that knows right from wrong, and a selfless will to save others. It should get us some chicks, too."

 

With that, all the men let out a resounding "Boo yah!" and go shopping for spandex.

 

Meanwhile again...

 

"I'm a big, yellow brick. What the [!@#%^&^] kind of super person is a big, yellow brick?" asks Chrisco, staring at his biggish, yellowish, brickish form in the mirror.

 

Clobby steps back in awe. "You're... you're... butter! THE butter! You're the immortal butter brick from the cabin!"

 

"Butter does taste better than Crisco, I have to admit. Okay, you can call me The Brick!"

 

fantastic_four punches The Brick but nothing happens. "You're invulnerable, immortal and greasy. Man, you really lucked out!"

 

"So what can you guys do?" The Brick asks.

 

"Clobby smash!" Raising both hands above his head, clobberintime smashes them down on a stick of balsa wood. It is unharmed. "eep -- that's not it. Ow ow ow ow ow."

 

"I can't stretch or turn invisible," moans fantastic_four. "What good is taking a bath in radioactive acid if you just end up fatally injured?"

 

"Clobby flame on!" With a grunt of concentration, clobberintime tries to become a ball of flame, but only manages to pull a groin muscle. "Ow ow owowow!"

 

"That's not how you do it," ff says. "You do it like this: flame on!" Instantly, ff is a ball of fire. "Well, whaddaya know? Call me Flame War"

 

"Must be all the practice with hammer," mumbles Clobby. Ashamed that he is without powers, he turns invisible.

 

"Where'd he go?" asks Brick.

 

"He was here a second ago."

 

"I'm still here! What, am I invisible now? Call me--"

 

"Where'd-He-Go," say Brick and Flame War in bold, so that the lame name will stick.

 

"Veeery funnny, guys.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Raspberry Toaster Pastry catches up to the JBH as they hover, trying to figure out a battle plan. She hangs back just a moment, to listen.

 

"I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and reading Atom Age horror books in a really spooky voice on the loudspeaker."

 

"Why is that always your plan, Bee? Every time! When we fought The Bowels of Eliminator -- that was your plan. When we battled The Dork Twins -- that was your plan. When we had that crisis on Forum Five with the Fearless Fifteen -- that was your plan. They were fearless, and that was still your plan! It never works," says Lighthouse.

 

"May I?" asks RTP.

 

"Who are you?"

 

"Raspberry Toaster Pastry. But you can call me RTP, for short. I'm a mouthful."

 

After blushing a bit, the 3 members of the JBH wait for her to continue.

 

"I... I've always admired you guys and well, I just got some superpowers from a radioactive raspberry..." She holds up the baggie of raspberries to prove the story.

 

"You should put those in a Ziplock," says Bee, helpfully.

 

"I know! That's what I told the mysterious woman who gave them to me. But anyway, I'm here because I want to fight and die beside you."

 

"Whoa!"

 

"Die? Who said anything about dying?"

 

"That is so not a golden age thing to do."

 

"Sorry," says RTP. "My background is in moderns."

 

The JBH leaves RTP hovering and find a new patch of sky in which to talk. RTP squeezes her left breast and instantly starts squirting goo everywhere. "Dangit! right rise, left goo, right rise, left goo. This is so embarrassing. Damn costume should come with a gigantic box of Kleenex."

 

Hundreds of feet below, she hears the screams of several innocent, now goo-covered civilians. Quickly, she squeezes her right breast and swoops over to the JBH. "Let me try again. I really want to help. I don't have to die or anything. I just want to fight and defeat evil."

 

Lighthouse squares his shoulders -- a difficult thing to do while riding in a donut-hole -- and says, "I guess we can use all the help we can get. Here -- decode this message and I can give you a Justa Buncha Heroes ID card and decoder ring."

 

"Don't I need the ring to decode the message?"

 

"It says, 'I want to be a hero,'" says Bee.

 

"Way to wreck it!" groans Flying Donut.

 

"Well, it's not that difficult," says Bee. "Look, 'K' is a one letter word, so it has to be 'I' or 'A'. And since there's another one letter word later, it makes more sense that it's 'I'. Now you know that 'Z' is 'A' and 'K' is 'I', so the next word--"

 

"Okay, I've decoded it. It says 'I want to be a hero!"

 

"He's good," whispers Bee, awed.

 

"May we please get back to planning our attack on the giant floating IT unit above us? My stomach is getting chafed. Damn these sprinkles!"

 

"So what is the plan?" asks RTP.

 

"I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and..."

 

Meanwhile...

 

Nine men are sitting around listening to sitar music and seeing pretty colors.

 

"Damn," says Dam.

 

"Hot damn," says Odin.

 

"Bubbling hot damn," says Zonker.

 

"Bubbling hot damn with jam," says Cosmicbob.

 

"Buckets of bubbling hot damn with jam," says Hkp.

 

"My turn?" asks Ubiquiti. "Gimme a sec."

 

"Enough," breaks in Bronzebruce. "Anyone feeling any superpowers yet?"

 

"I see skies of blue... red roses, too..." sings Mushroom.

 

"Anyone else have the muchies? All I've had to eat today was this Spaceshroom." Old guy checks his pockets. "Never mind, found a Chicklet."

 

"There should be some indication that we've become powerful beings," mumbles Bronzebruce.

 

Suddenly, all nine of them pass out. Thankfully, Old Guy does not choke on his Chicklet.

 

An hour passes. Slowly Bronzebruce comes to and realizes that everyone is now wearing spandex with the picture of a planet on it. "Cool!" He looks at his chest. "Jupiter! I have the power of ever expanding gas!"

 

CosmicBob wakes up next. He, too, checks his shirt. "I don't know my planets. What is this one?"

 

"Your name is CosmicBob and you don't know your planets?" Bronzebruce shakes his head.

 

Odin awakes and recognizes that he's Saturn. "I can throw powerful rings of energy."

 

Hkp gives a cry of happiness. "I'm Pluto! The Disney Planet!"

 

"What's your power?"

 

"I'm like a big cartoon dog. Or maybe it's something ice-related." He picks up a glass of water that instantly freezes. "Definitely the ice thing."

 

"Anyone know which planet this is?" asks Cosmicbob.

 

"Neptune," says Zonker.

 

"I'm Neptune? Excellent! Water power!" says Cosmicbob.

 

"No, I'm Neptune." Zonker makes dancing waters come out of his fingers.

 

"Mercury! I'm Mercury! Heat powers!" cries Dam, melting Hkp's glass of ice.

 

"Please don't let me be Uranus," whispers Cosmicbob.

 

"No mistaking me. I'm Earth!" says Ubiquiti, doing an endzone victory dance.

 

"And I'm Mars," says Mushroom. "The mighty god of war. I must be the ultimate warrior."

 

"Not Uranus, not Uranus, not Uranus..."

 

"Wake up, Old Guy. Look at your shirt."

 

"Huh? Wha...? Why do I have a picture of Uranus on my chest?"

 

"Yes!" cries Cosmicbob. "Okay, let me see. Old Guy is Uranus, Bronzebruce is Jupiter, Dam is Mercury, Zonker is Neptune, Mushroom is Mars, Odin is Saturn, Hkp is Pluto, Ubiquiti is Earth... what's left?"

 

"Venus!" they all shout in unison.

 

"I'm screwed."

 

"Let's call ourselves the Solar Powers!" cries Jupiter, his bronzed head held high.

 

"To the Solar Powers! Hip, hip, hooray!"

 

"What would a Venus do?"

 

"Forget that. What would Uranus do? After all, we've already got Mr. Ever-expanding-gas over there..."

 

Meanwhile...

 

KostumeKween is despondent. He's been watching as scores of ordinary men suddenly gain superpowers, yet here he is, a mere mortal who wears the trappings of fictional heroes. "I need to find something radioactive -- and fast," he decides. He refuses to be left out of the battle he knows is coming. "I started the darn thread. I should be playing a lead role!" He knows he's right, and by the seven moons of Kansas, he's going to do something about it.

 

He takes the Greyhound to Smallville, and finds that not only is it deserted, it doesn't exist. Dragging his deluxe luggage cart across a wheat field, he's unsure what to do next. Suddenly, a meteor comes shooting out of the sky, landing smack dab in the middle of his Samsonite matched set. Horrified, he quickly checks to see if anything has survived. He is shocked to find all of his attire fried to a crisp, save one: his silver age Supergirl costume. Thinking it must be a sign, he quickly dons the blue miniskirted dress and red cape.

 

A shiver quivers through him and he suddenly feels tingly and giddy. Euphorically, he leaps into the air and just keeps going. He can fly! Focusing on a far-off tree, it bursts into flames. He has heat vision! Focusing on a comely lass on a bicycle, he looks at her naughty bits. He has X-ray vision! It takes him a day and a half to move on to any more tests, but eventually he discovers that he has all of the powers of the mighty Silver Age Supergirl! It is time to join the fight! Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- can go wrong now that he's the silver age Supergirl about to battle in an Infinite Crisis, he thinks, smugly.

 

Meanwhile….

 

"How goes the mayhem?" asks The Archi-Moderator.

 

"Not so good," mumbles Coinee.

 

"I was on break," says Dr. Gloom.

 

"Evil help is so hard to find. Okay, look, monkeyballs, I asked for death, destruction, dismemberment, disenchantment, despicableness, disease, defecation, de noise, de funk -- and what do you give me? Nothing!"

 

Coinee, writing down the list, "How do you spell 'despicibleness'?"

 

"With an 'a'..." points out Dr. Gloom.

 

"Silence! This is what I want from you!" Archi opens the door to his hovering IT unit and looks for a victim. Trimmer walks out to get the morning paper. Archi hits him with a lightning bolt, killing him instantly.

 

"Oh, man," says Coinee. "I was really looking forward to all the mayhem he was going to cause."

 

"Can you restore him?" asks Dr. Gloom.

 

"Never. Trimmer despises any talk of restoration when he is near. He's out of here for good." Down below, Trimmer's spirit form tries to enter a nearby anonymous lurker. "Oh no you don't." Archi zaps the spirit and it fizzles out. "And that's how it's done -- you got it, gecko brains?"

 

"Got it," both men agree.

 

"Go forth and do nasty, evil, horrifying things. Or no dinner."

 

Coinee and Gloom transport back to the forums, ready to cause mayhem, and eat a light snack.

 

Meanwhile (that not being the death)...

 

KostumeKween flies skyward, his eyes on the giant, hovering IT unit that just seems a tad out of place. "Must... reach... I... T.... Unit.... hovering... a... tad... out... of... place..."

 

"Why are you talking like that?" asks Bee, buzzing backward in a lounging position so that he can remain face to face with KK.

 

"Wha...? Who are you?"

 

"I'm Spelling Bee. And this is Lighthouse, Flying Donut and Raspberry Toaster Pastry, the newest member of Jutsa Buncha Heroes."

 

"The JBH?? I thought you guys were only legends!" says KK, awed. "Well, all but the poptart -- you I've never heard of."

 

"That's Toaster Pastry, buttmunch."

 

"So what are you legends and the hot chick doing up here?"

 

"We're going to destroy that hovering IT unit. It's evil. That's what we do. Destroy evil." Flying Donut lifts his granite chin, allowing the sun to paint heroic shadows across his classic features.

 

Before KK can react, they are interrupted by the sound of 9 men shouting to each other. Below them, making slow progress to their position, they see 9 costumed men flying around each other in wobbly patterns.

 

"Whoa! Watch your freaking orbit, Saturn!"

 

"Sorry!"

 

"Spinning... so... fast..."

 

"Someone slow down Mercury, he's making me dizzy."

 

"Yo, Pluto -- you wanna catch up or what?"

 

Lighthouse shines his beacon on them to get a better look.

 

"The sun! I see it!" shouts Earth, hurrying the others toward the beacon.

 

"I'm not the sun! I'm Lighthouse!"

 

"We're Solar Powers! Are you guys the JBH?"

 

"Some of us," says RTP with a disdainful glance at KK.

 

"Well, La-di-da," says KK with a smirk. "Give me the stupid decoder thing." Although RTP only waves his card toward him, KK says, "'I want to be a hero.' There, I'm a member now."

 

"How'd you do that so fast?" asks RTP.

 

"Super-intelligence. I have all the powers of the silver age Supergirl."

 

"And all the fashion sense."

 

"If Malverne were here, he'd show you what for!"

 

"Zip it, Linda Lee," says Donut, then turns to greet the Solar Powers. "Nice to have you join us. We've decided that stealth and planning would only fail, so we're going to attack it head-on while screaming slogans of destruction."

 

"Perfect!"

 

"Great plan!"

 

"We're in!"

 

"It's too dangerous."

 

"Who said that?" asks Lighthouse.

 

"It was Super Queen!" says Bee. "I heard him! He said, 'It's too dangerous', just like that."

 

"KostumeKween! But I'll accept SA Supergirl in a pinch. And it is too dangerous."

 

"You have a better plan?"

 

"Yes. I'll attack it head-on, alone, screaming slogans of destruction. Then you guys mop up."

 

"Better plan!"

 

"We're not doing to die!"

 

"We'll be behind you! Waaaay behind you!"

 

Flying Donut twists a bit to make sure his lighting is still heroic, then says, "Fine. It's far more sensible for you to go alone than to overwhelm it with numbers. Good luck, old chum."

 

"Uh... yeah, that was a little too easy. I was expecting some arguments."

 

"No arguments here! G'won! Go attack it like you said."

 

"Shoo!"

 

"Geez." KostumeKween modestly straightens his skirt, licks his blonde bangs, gets a determined expression on his face then shoots at superspeed toward the giant IT unit. "Die! Die! Die you naughty man!"

 

"We should've worked on the slogans," says Bee, watching KK fly to his doom.

 

"Yeah." Lighthouse turns to the assembled heroes. "Anyone for lunch?"

 

"That donut is looking really good. So, yeah!"

 

"Okay, back here in, oh, say an hour?"

 

"Hour and a half. I like to take a little nap afterwards."

 

"Hour and a half it is."

 

The heroes pull out cell phones to make reservations.

 

Meanwhile….

 

KostumeKween soars ever closer to the giant, floating IT unit. "May your fingernails split uncomfortably and may you have a burning sensation whenever you pee and may you lose your sense of rhythm and may you--"

 

KK's slogans are heating up into his best material, and he is quite proud of himself. Surely this alone will weaken the Archi-Moderator enough so that he could be easily deafeated?

 

"--your nose run yet you have no tissues, and may your ankles swell uncomfortably in the humidity, and may you--"

 

With a final burst of speed, KK breaks through the giant steel door of the IT Unit. Inside is a maze of wiring and motherboards. Cautiously, he follows a large cable, hoping it will lead him to the beast who inhabits this infernal, mechanical spacecraft. "Yoo hoo...? Anybody home? Avon calling! I've got Watchtowers! I'm working my way through college by selling magazine subscriptions! Dominos!"

 

He doesn't see the giant cable begin to snake around his left foot. But someone does.

 

"Watch out for that giant cable that's beginning to snake around your left foot!"

 

KK turns to see 4 guys in yellow uniforms and a fifth guy being dragged behind them, wearing a giant plastic slab.

 

"Who are you guys?"

 

"We're the N'Superables! And Mylite. He needed a ride."

 

"You said we were going to 7-11 for Slurpees!" Mylite shouts, his voice muffled by the giant slab.

 

"We will, we will. But first, we have to help this cute, though surprisingly beefy chick in the Supergirl costume."

 

"This way, N'Superables," says KK with a gesture. He breaks the cable's grip and takes another step, only to be captured by another animated wire. Before he can fight free, all of the N'Superables and Mylite are entwined.

 

"Must... get... free..." KK sputters, fighting with his superstrength.

 

"Must... help... my... teammates..." gasps Rerun.

 

"Must... pee..." says Mylite, then sighs heavily, a smile on his face.

 

Alias quickly splits into a bunch of people and works on freeing the others before the cables and wires can get him. Supafreak trumpets then stomps on things. Rerun watches the Bob Newhart Show. Emoticon becomes a smiley with a chainsaw and starts freeing Mylite.

 

"P-U ,man, what'd you just do in there?"

 

"None of your beeswax."

 

KK leads the now freed N'Superables and Mylite deeper into the craft. Suddenly they are all attacked by invisible somethings.

 

"Invisible somethings are attacking us! And I can't see them!" shouts Rerun.

 

"They're Mods!" screetches KK. "The unseen helpers of the Archi-Moderator. Supafreak -- blow mammoth snot everywhere -- maybe that will allow us to see them.

 

"Brilliant idea, '," says Mylite. Then his slab is covered by a viscous goo.

 

"There's one!" shouts emoticon. Quickly he stretches himself into a line of smileys so long it destroys the size of the thread.

 

"There's another," says alias, making so many illegal shills of himself that the gooey mod can't delete them fast enough.

 

Mylite tips his slab over onto a third mod and Rerun trips a fourth under the giant feet of Supafreak, who squishes him good.

 

"We did it!"

 

"We've done nothing yet. Those were mere puppets. We need to defeat the Archi-Moderator himself."

 

"Big words, KostumeKutie." Archi catches himself. "D'oh! That was supposed to come out an insult, but my natural male desire to impress chicks prevented it."

 

"I'm irresistible!" shouts Mylite.

 

"Indeed you are," says a winking emoticon.

 

Mylite frowns.

 

"Enough of this highbrow patter. You will all be destroyed!" shouts Archi-Moderator. With a toss of his cape and a shaking of his evil head, he shoots mighty beams out of his hands, destroying Rerun's teletummy. Another beam shoots out and Mylite's CGC case is cracked. Supafreak trumpets and instantly becomes extinct. Emoticon and Alias run away, er, to get reinforcements. Yes, that's why they were running.

 

"I guess it's just you and me now, sweet thing," says Archi.

 

"I don't do sweets!" he shouts and pile-drives his body into the Archi-Moderator whose pocket protector shatters on impact.

 

"Argh! My energy... dissipating!" Archi tries to get away, but KK attacks again destroying Archi's cell phone and beeper. "No! Stop the madness!" Undaunted, he readies for one more attack, but is distracted by a groan from Mylite.

 

"Cracked case... must... resubmit..."

 

"No, Mylite! You can't resubmit! You've been dinged!"

 

"Your attention strayed, little lady. That's a fatal mistake." With that, the Archi-Moderator shoots horrific bolts of energy from both hands, sending KK flying across the craft, fatally injured. Laughing maniacally, he takes off in the emergency pod.

 

Mylite makes his way to Rerun, bangs him on the head and the TV sputters back into life. "Quick, tune in to the Discovery Channel."

 

Rerun complies and the show 'Raising the Mammoth' roars from his belly. Supafreak slowly stands, resurrected by the miracle of CGI.

 

"What's wrong with KostumeKween?" asks Rerun.

 

"No..." whispers Mylite, scooching his cracked CGC case over to the fallen hero. "No..." he says again, sensing the very life draining from this noble man. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screams as KK breathes his last.

 

Quietly sobbing, Mylite cradles KostumeKween against his slab, his salty tears mixing with the blood of the only forumite he ever truly loved.

 

Later, on the nightly news...

 

"...top story: KostumeKween died a horrible, painful, terrifying, heroic death when she was ripped apart by energy beams during a battle with the Archi-Moderator. Funeral arrangements are being made in the Grave-ing and Restinpeacing Forum."

 

"He was a true hero."

 

"And not just to cross-dressers and Star Trek fans. To all of us. He was, well, as his fellow superhero Mylite put it, 'He was a ', but he was the best ' we ever had.'"

 

"Quite a tribute."

 

"Indeed."

 

"KostumeKween, you will be missed. You will be mourned. You will be retconned when the crisis is over, but in a lamer, less powerful way."

 

"In other news, an unidentified man was killed by lightning today..."

 

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 8: Leading up to more death!

 

Unaware of what just happened far above him, Coinee searches for heroes to fight, and people to turn into villains. His pocket-change-plated body shimmers in the sun, and people stare as he walks down the street in just a pair of Batman underoos and a large cape made of dollar bills. He catches snippets of conversations as he passes.

 

"...exotic dancer? He's..."

 

"...wore those as a kid..."

 

"...I think I see a wheat penny on his as..."

 

"...having for dinner? I don't want..."

 

"...am born to be a villain..."

 

"...on ebay and it was a major shill..."

 

Coinee stops, and goes back one person.

 

"Did I overhear you saying you were born to be a villain?"

 

"I am Lord Rahl! Bow down before me, change purse."

 

"Ya got kind of an ego thing going there or are you trying to impress me?"

 

"You are no match for Lord Rahl, puny silverbutt."

 

"Uh huh. I'm seeing potential. Are your politics to the right or left?"

 

"I am Lord Rahl, ruler of the 17th dimension, master of the xathosphere! I have come to conquer and enslave your race. I voted Green Party."

 

"Feh. Green party. You stole the election from us! Gore could've won if you hadn't leeched a bunch of his votes! Now we're going to have to wait until 2008 for a Clinton to be back in office!" What am I saying? That's not what I was thinking at all! I've been a my whole life and now I'm suddenly -- D'oh! I meant . D'oh! Getting dizzy, can't think, leaning to the left, must compensate. Think tax cuts -- good, good -- think war -- even better, I'm almost cured -- think environmentalism-- gak! Nothing works!

 

"Your confusion amuses me, shiny man. I am Lord Rahl, and I can both read and control your mind."

 

"Can you control anyone's mind?" Coinee's head pounds, but he fights it, hoping to find some sort of edge -- preferably an edge with little ridges, like the coins he loves so dearly. Coinee's mind wanders, drowning in etched eagles and spiky hats and old dead presidents.

 

"Yoo hoo! Over here," says Lord Rahl.

 

"Wha...?"

 

"I said 'yes', I can control anyone's mind."

 

"Wanna help me destroy everything in the universe?"

 

"I've got my son's violin recital around noonish, but I'm free at 2."

 

"Excellent! In the meantime, try to think up a cool villain name."

 

"I am Lord Rahl, ruler of the 17th di--."

 

"Yeah, yeah, heard it. Something cooler. Like maybe -- ooh, ooh, I know! -- Lord Rawl!"

 

"It sounds the same."

 

"But it's got 'Raw' in it. Like you're a raw, rawr, lion-hearted, WWF kinda nasty guy. It's great, trust me."

 

"Only if you buy Hillary's book."

 

"With pleasure!" Aargh! I can't wait to kill this guy when his usefulness is over.

 

"Uh... you do remember that I read minds, don't you?" asks Lord Rawl.

 

"Kinda forgot, actually."

 

Meanwhile…

 

Wherever Dr. Gloom walks, things crash. It is his power. He passes a scaffolding with three painters on it. The painters are lucky because they hit a tarp on the way down after their scaffold suddenly buckles. When Dr. Gloom passes Starbucks, the din of breaking coffee mugs is deafening. Even the clop, clop of falling paper cups holding scalding hot liquid raises the decibels, as the screams of a dozen splattered latte drinkers fills the air.

 

Ordinarily, this would make Dr. Gloom feel good. But today he is-- well, gloomy. He hasn't run into one freaking hero the entire morning. He considers leaving his new job with the Archi-Moderator in a huff. He could always return later -- everyone needs more gloom in their lives.

 

They don't understand -- no one ever does anything right, and I am the only person who knows it. Only I know what each person should do. They need to listen to me.

 

"People of The Collector's Society!" he shouts, stepping onto a nearby park bench. "You are all doomed! You must stop walking in an orderly fashion and panic! You, in the grey shirt -- run about aimlessly, screaming. And you in the pink dress -- faint so that the mob can trample you. Those of you in the back may mumble and mill about, staring in one direction for now. I'll have more instructions later. Now hop to it, people!"

 

A murmur goes through the crowd. They are on the precipice, he can feel it. Just another moment and the panic will begin. Suddenly, 6 men on hovering scooters swoop down. They are dressed in purple spandex jumpsuits. The leader begins to speak.

 

"Do not panic! We are the Hostess Hoard and we are here to help you!"

 

The crowd is mollified and go back to walking in an orderly fashion, ignoring Dr. Gloom and the purple guys.

 

"The Hostess Hoard? What nonsense is this?" shouts Dr. Gloom.

 

"Hi, nice to meet you. Gloom is it?"

 

"Dr. Gloom."

 

"Craziest thing just happened," says the man in purple. "My buddies and I were shooting a little B-Ball on our lunch break. We got the munchies and hit the 7-11. We heard about the death of KostumeKween, and well, it riled us up. KK is a personal fave of ours."

 

"His 2nd season Buffy was uncanny" says a second purple man.

 

The Hostess Hoard nod in shared grief, then the first man continues. "We've read a lot of comics, so we know that Hostess products can make superheroes appear from nowhere. So there we are at 7-11 and there's the Hostess display. What else were we supposed to do? Just ignore the death of the noble KostumeKween? No way!"

 

"We each bought a different tasty snack treat."

 

"I bought several."

 

"We had no way of knowing what would happen."

 

"We figured some heroes would show up and that's that." He sneezes, and white creamy filling comes out his nose. "Sorry. Gotta cold."

 

"The bottom line," says the first man, "is that the heroes turned out to be us! Isn't that wacky? Now we've all got superpowers and we're here to fight evil."

 

"I'm evil," says Dr. Gloom helpfully.

 

"Great!"

 

"Perfect!"

 

"What a day!"

 

"Before we defeat you, we'd like to introduce ourselves. We've already decided not to use secret identities, so it's only fair that you know who you're fighting. I'm hogations, but you can call me Twinkie! "

 

"I'm The Beyonder, but now I'm known as Snowball."

 

"Aman619, now Ding Dong."

 

"Ninanina -- Ho-Ho."

 

"Although some know me as JLA All the way, I'm now much better known as Fruit Pie!"

 

"I'm Doyle033. Um... Cupcake. This is so dumb. Why did it have to be Hostess products? Why not types of steak, or power tools, or something?"

 

"You don't get superpowers from eating power tools, Cupcake. Now get in line, we need to strike a pose."

 

The 6 men strike a heroic pose just long enough for Dr. Gloom to crash a street sign across their heads. All 6 fall to the ground, out for the count.

 

"Nice meeting you," says Dr. Gloom, feeling just a little better about the day.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The JBH and the Solar Powers have another conference in the sky.

 

"With the death of KostumeKween, I fear we're in grave trouble. He was obviously the bravest, strongest, most heroic cross-dresser on the planet. We must come up with a new plan. The 'dress up KK as a hooker to lure Archi-Monitor out of his energy pod' won't work anymore."

 

Everyone looks at Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "Nah ah! I have a wife and child! Make one of the single guys do it."

 

"Any way you'd be willing to videotape you and your wife making out?" asks Venus.

 

"Ix-nay on the uggestions-say, Venus. You're a prime candidate for the hooker thing with your delicate features," Uranus whispers.

 

"Curse my misfortunate of being born a pretty man," mumbles Venus.

 

"New plan, new plan," says Bee. "I'm guessing this is going to take some sort of vortex of death."

 

"What makes you say so, Bee?" asks House.

 

"That Penalty Box is like a black hole. Things go in, don't come out. You showed that with your eye-beams. I'm thinking it has a massive center of gravity that is continually spinning at near light speed. If we can create a counterforce that matches the exact speed, only in the opposite direction, then we might -- just might -- be able to reverse its effects."

 

"Who's got superspeed?" asks Flying Donut.

 

The Solar Powers shrug, not meeting his eyes.

 

"I can spray goo..." says RTP. "But not at superspeed."

 

"Then why mention it? Did we ask for goo? No. We asked for superspeed."

 

"Mercury here can orbit pretty fast," says Pluto.

 

"Shut up!"

 

"Well you can."

 

"No, I can't. I'm real slow."

 

"Yes... with Mercury's superspeed orbiting abilities, and his power of generating immense heat -- this just might work!" Bee whips out a calculator and crunches some numbers. "You're going to have to orbit like you've never done it before."

 

"I'm brand new to orbiting. I suck at it. I'm a lousy choice."

 

"Excellent. Thanks for volunteering," says Lighthouse. "Okay, so we're decided. Mercury attacks the Archi-Moderator alone, orbits at superspeed in the opposite direction of whatever is powering the Penalty Box, and we'll mop up."

 

"Anyone up for a game of squash?" asks Jupiter.

 

"I’m in!"

 

"Me, too!"

 

The JBH and Solar Powers hurry back toward the ground, while Mercury slowly spins, alone in the sky. "Why couldn't I have been Uranus?"

 

Meanwhile…

 

The Hostess Hoard slowly wake up, several of them rubbing the large lumps on their heads.

 

"Well that sucked," says Ho Ho.

 

"I can't believe we got beaten so easily. And by a freaking coin collector!" says Fruit Pie.

 

"Don't ever let any of the guys know about this, okay? It's our secret. No one can know," says Snowball.

 

"Smile!" A bright flash blinds them and a man in a suit and fedora puts down his camera. In his hat is a card that says 'Press'. He takes out a pad and pencil. "So tell me all about your ignominious defeat."

 

"Who are you?" asks Twinkie.

 

"Andrew Knight, Daily Satellite. Your pictures are gonna be on the front page!"

 

"I quit," mumbles Ding Dong.

 

"What can we do to convince you to destroy that photo?" asks Cupcake.

 

"Not a thing, boys! This is primo stuff! 6 guys in purple tights getting clobbered by a coinee? We may have to put this out in an Extra addition!"

 

"I hate you."

 

"You suck."

 

"Bite me."

 

"Hey -- slow down. I'm writing longhand here. I'm an old-fashioned newspaper man. And I know a good story when I see one."

 

"Sooo..." says Twinkie, rising. "Are you also a fan of a fine snack cake?"

 

"Indeed I am! Why do you ask?"

 

"Now!" shouts Twinkie and the Hostess Hoard rush Andrew Knight, their only weapon in hand. Fruit Pie unwraps the delicacy, then Ho Ho helps him shove it down Andrew's throat. Before their eyes they see his fedora disappear and purple spandex replace his suit. Groggily, Andrew looks up at the smiling faces.

 

"Wha...?"

 

"Welcome to the Hoard, Susie Q!"

 

Meanwhile...

 

Mercury is alone in the sky. So if I were an evil, malevolent, super-villain, where would I go? He searches the skies but can't see a ship or a deadly vortex. "Oh well, can't find him, too bad." He spins away and to his dismay, catches a glimpse of a far-off spacepod. "Nope, he can't be in there. I'll look somewhere else." Mercury tries to pour on the speed, but the spacepod catches up to him.

 

"Looking for someone?" asks a sepulchral voice.

 

"eep." Mercury is face to face with the Archi-Moderator. "No, no. Just out for a spin." He orbits once, to show his innocence.

 

"I don't believe you."

 

"Well, it certainly has nothing to do with that swirling vortex you've got there."

 

"This old thing? I've had it forever."

 

"Nice. Well, gotta go."

 

"You do realize I'm going to smite you as you run away."

 

"Nope, hadn't realized that. Can I talk you out of it?"

 

"You can turn evil. I might forego the smiting if you're willing to be a mole within the Solar Powers."

 

"And that's my only shot at surviving, huh?"

 

"That's it."

 

"Hmmm... a mole..."

 

Meanwhile.

 

"SUSIE Q????"

 

"You're one of us now, so you can't print the photo."

 

"You couldn't have fed me a Choco-dile?"

 

"Look, none of us are happy about he names, okay?" says Twinkie. "But we're heroes. And heroes have to put up with things like that. So live with it."

 

"What are our powers?" asks Susie Q.

 

The men look at each other, embarrassed. "We, um, don't actually know."

 

"What do you mean you don't know?"

 

"He means we don't know." Fruit Pie tugs at the spandex creeping up his butt. "We never had a chance to find out. This just happened to us."

 

"And you liked it so much you wanted me to join you?"

 

"Nah, we just wanted to kill that story. We're not publicity hounds."

 

"I can see why."

 

"So what are our powers?" asks Ho Ho.

 

"We're idiotic-looking enough that it might be the power to induce instantaneous laughter in all who meet us," says Ding Dong.

 

"No, that coin villain didn't laugh."

 

Snowball tries to strike a gallant post but it does nothing for his self esteem. He tries to fly like Superman, but no good. He presses his finger to his palm like Spider-Man and suddenly creamy filling flies out, forming the shape of a huge Spider-Man. "Well, what do you know!"

 

"How'd you do that?"

 

"I was thinking about Spider-Man, pressed my finger like this and voila!"

 

They all try it, including a suddenly energized Suzie Q. Ho Ho makes a huge, creamy Frankenstein, Cupcake makes a gooey Batmobile, and Fruit Pie makes a giant slot machine. He pulls the handle and creamed coins come out.

 

"We are the coolest!" says Suzie Q.

 

"Let's go find that coin guy," says Twinkie, his cleft chin thrust out, a gleam in his eye, and a gloppy, naked hooker in his arms.

 

Meanwhile…

 

The JBH and the Solar Powers are hanging out by the pool at the Ramada Inn near the airport. The N'Superables and Mylite are with them, having noticed them while lunching at Denny's. Talk has turned from the Crisis to sports and emotions are running high -- much, much higher than emotions were running during the whole 'world is ending, blah, blah, blah' conversation earlier.

 

Wearing spandex swimming trunks and capes, 3 men approach the group.

 

"May we join you?" asks The Brick.

 

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asks Supafreak.

 

"Pardon us if we look a little odd, Mr. Gigantic Woolly Mammoth--"

 

"You a hater?" asks Supafreak.

 

"-- but we're superheroes. I'm The Brick."

 

"You look like buttah," says Raspberry Toaster Pastry, giggling.

 

Several of the guys laugh, inching closer to her.

 

"He does have a butter-like quality to him," notes Rerun.

 

"We're superheroes! This is Flame War and this is Where'd-He-Go."

 

"Where'd who go?"

 

Brick looks around and notices that Where'd-He-Go has turned invisible out of embarrassment. "Damn it, WheG! Stop doing that every single time I introduce you! You make me look like an insufficiently_thoughtful_person."

 

"You don't need his help for that, Land-O-Lakes," says Flame War.

 

Immediately, the two men start shouting invectives at each other. Flame War tries to melt The Brick, but the invulnerable dairy product remains intact.

 

The rest of the heroes look on, eating popcorn magically produced by Emoticon.

 

At that moment, the Hostess Hoard arrives.

 

"Cool! Hero vs. Hero -- it's a 'first time we meet' staple!" says Ho Ho.

 

Instantly, the fight is on, as all the heroes rush each other, battling to the death -- or at the very least a slight wounding. Lots and lots of action follows, giving the illustrator an enormous hand cramp. A massive goo battle between Raspberry Toaster Pastry and 3 of the Hostess Hoard covers the Ramada courtyard with enough sticky white stuff to make it look like Christmas in Alaska, and the fighting slows down as movement is severely hampered.

 

In the midst of this melee, Coinee, Dr. Gloom and Lord Rawl arrive.

 

"Maybe we should wait for a better time. They're busy," says Coinee.

 

"They are no match for Lord Rawl!"

 

"Shut up, you ignorant whelp of a donkey's waste product. I can't think with all of your yammering," says Dr. Gloom, pacing so that his oversized cape will billow.

 

"What about that trumpeting mammoth -- he's not ruining your concentration, but one sentence from me blows it completely?

 

"Lord Rawl has a point, Dr. Buffoon," says Coinee.

 

"Silence! You will not make sport of my name again, you offal-filled dungsack of suppurating infectious waste! Go artificially tone yourself!"

 

"Them's fighting words, Dr. Loon!"

 

At that, the 3 villains begin fighting each other in an epic battle, not unlike a scaled-down version of the hero brawl going on a few feet to the left.

 

For the nonce, no one is thinking about the crisis. No one, but one small planet.

 

Far above in a hovering escape pod with its own built-in swirling vortex...

 

"Look at them, the fools," says the Archi-Moderator, watching his bank of monitors, all tuned to the fight. "Not one of them cares about your puny life, little planetoid. But I do. I offer you sanctuary. I offer you the opportunity to become a Mod."

 

"But that goo fight looks kinda fun. It's like a rave or something," says Mercury.

 

"It only looks fun because the picture is digital. It enhances everything."

 

"Look -- Raspberry Toaster Pastry is licking her lips and rubbing Hostess cream filling over her body in slow motion!" The faint sounds of 'bunkunk twaa, cha bunkunk twaa' play melodically in the background.

 

Archi turns off the monitor tuned to RTP. "Don't worry, it's TIVO'd. But now we must concentrate. Have you made a decision? Do you want the awesome powers of the Mod?"

 

"What about Dena-myte and Gemma-Mint? Aren't they enough help?"

 

"They have their uses, but I need a small, quickly rotating, heat-producing planet on my staff, and your resume is quite impressive. It says here you spent 2 years in community college?"

 

"Then transferred to Azz Tech in Mexico. Got my degree in Financial Analysis with a minor in Catering."

 

"Impressive, Spinning One. Under hobbies you have horseback riding, hang-gliding and ridding the world of evil."

 

"I only hang-glided once, and I fell off. But I'd like to do it more often."

 

"That 'ridding of evil' thing -- you married to that?"

 

"It's negotiable."

 

"Excellent..."

 

Meanwhile…

 

Mercury takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'll join you."

 

"Excellent!" says the Archi-Moderator. "What size spandex do you wear? I have some henchmod uniforms in the back. Just fill out this W-4, sign this liability contract, initial here and here, sign this -- it's so that your dependants can't sue me when you die -- and fill out this Criminal history form."

 

"I don't have a criminal history."

 

"I'll try not to hold that against you, though I do frown on clean records."

 

"And you said 'when you die' -- is that some sort of certainty?"

 

"A mere slip of the tongue! Of course there's an outside chance you'll live through this, so no worries. Why are you claiming 9 dependants?"

 

"Tax break."

 

"Lying to the government -- I like it! You'll fit in just fine. Size?"

 

"I wear a large if it's tight, medium if it's loose. And I prefer something in the blue or green family."

 

"It's strictly black around here. Very slimming."

 

"Oh good, I hate looking hippy." Mercury sighs, bending his head over the forms so Archi can't see the internal struggle reflected on his face.

 

"Okay then, I'll go find you a large."

 

The moment the evil overlord leaves the control room, Mercury pushes the papers aside and approaches the swirling vortex. "Man, I hope this works..." he mumbles.

 

"What's that?" comes a voice from the back room.

 

"I said, 'Man, I hope this works.'" I should have made up something that rhymed like they do on TV. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

 

"There's a lot of give in spandex. It'll work. Be out in a sec -- I'm having trouble finding the large. I over-ordered on the XXL's knowing I would have to recruit comic book fans."

 

Realizing that his chance was now or never, Mercury draws a deep breath then begins to spin. He orbits the vortex in the opposite direction of its swirl, pushing himself to go faster and faster. Straining and spinning and reaching deep inside himself, he breaks the sound barrier, but it's still not fast enough. He can see the slow-motion form of the Archi-Moderator coming out of the storeroom holding several black spandex uniforms, but it's too late to worry, too late to wonder what will happen. Mercury's only job now is to orbit. If he can reach the speed of light, the vortex will be destroyed, according to Spelling Bee. Why were we listening to Spelling Bee on a math question? he asks himself, but he's spinning so fast the question leaves his head before he can think of an answer.

 

He can feel himself approaching some sort of ephemeral barrier. Is it light? Is it time? Is it space? What is the meaning of existence? Faster, faster, faster -- faster, faster, faster -- faster...

 

Suddenly, even as he can feel something begin to change deep within the very cells of his body, he realizes that the sounds pounding around him are the words, "Die, puny planet, die!" At that point, everything goes black.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The hero vs. hero and villain vs. villain fights are over, and everyone is sharing a brewski at the Ramada. A clean-up crew is attempting to get rid of the massive amounts of white goo, but their presence doesn't bother the costumed crowd.

 

"...So she says, 'I don't care what you're supposed to be, spandex is not the material of choice for your body type!"

 

The men laugh, loving the feel of the warm sun, the sparkle of the hotel pool, the cool mugs of beer and the drowsy smoke of good cigars.

 

"Will you look at the time," says Lighthouse, reluctant to interrupt the perfect afternoon. "We should really check in on Mercury."

 

"Oh, man, I forgot all about him!" says Jupiter, slapping himself on the forehead. "I should've counted my planets."

 

"I saw him up in the Archi-Moderator's pod," says Coinee.

 

"That's right!" adds Bee. "He's probably up there dying in the vortex right now. We really need to send a card to his wife."

 

"We should all sign it."

 

"And send flowers."

 

"I'll volunteer to do that," says Mars. "Everyone should chip in, though. I'm not made of money like some people!" He shoots a pointed glance at Coinee and everyone laughs appreciatively.

 

Coinee frowns. "I didn't ask for this, you know."

 

"Oh lighten up," says Mylite. "You can dish it out, but you can't take it, you '."

 

"Can so!" shouts Coinee, ready for a fight.

 

"Chill, man!" says Pluto, zapping him with some ice pellets.

 

This time Coinee laughs, too, and sits back down. "Can't help it. I love to brawl."

 

"We should probably get back to saving -- and destroying -- the universe," says Flying Donut, making sure to include the villains, as is only polite.

 

"Okay, that's true. Who had the Harvey Wallbanger?"

 

"Let me look at that. I had 2 cokes, so $4.00 should be enough, right? How big a tip do we need to leave?"

 

While they settle their bar tab, a battle for the fate of the universe rages far above them, and a small planet's life hangs in the balance. Only one pair of eyes watches the hovering pod.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Although unconscious, Mercury's momentum is about to take him past lightspeed -- which would have defeated the vortex and killed the hero. But in the nanosecond before this ultimate sacrifice, he is snatched away and another takes his place. Using Mercury's near-lightspeed wake to add that extra boost of power, the raging, out of control beast known only as the Den Mothersaur pushes past the lightspeed barrier.

 

In flash of brilliance, the swirling vortex implodes on itself and is no more. The roar of a dying monster is the only sound left in the shattered pod. Woozy, but alive, Mercury awakes to find himself orbiting the wrecked escape pod. Then an engine thrums into life and the Archi-Moderator leaves the escape pod in an even smaller escape pod and roars off toward the horizon.

 

"What happened...?" Mercury looks around, but can find only some bits of black spandex, and a note that says, I did it for my boys, signed Den Mothersaur. "Way to steal my thunder. She always has to be the center of attention." Then he realizes he's not dead, and decides that just this once, he'll let her have the thunder so that he can live to smell the roses, make love to beautiful women and eat cheeseburgers.

 

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 9: Population Explosion

 

"Has anyone seen Darthdeisel?" asks Scottish.

 

"Not for a couple of days," says Speedjunkie.

 

"I heard he went to visit his brother, Vin, in Hollywood," says Zillatoy.

 

"What about some of the other guys. Heard from any of them?" asks Awe4one.

 

"Actually, other than that massive cloud of black, bubbling nothingness that's been eating the forums, and the population explosion of superheroes, everything has been really dull. Do you think the comic crash has actually happened and no one told us?" Elvis is worried. He has some ASM's he desperately wants to unload.

 

I really need to buy some ASMs, thinks Murph0. "How am I supposed to spend money now that ebay, Heritage and most of the web has been eaten by the black, bubbling nothingness?"

 

Elvis takes one look at Murph and figures that there's no way the guy from Iowa would be interested in the full run of ASM's in 9.9 that he has, so he remains silent.

 

"Why are there so many new heroes? And why do they have such lame names?" asks Werner Von Doom.

 

"We have a lot of questions, but no answers. It's time to take action."

 

"What do you propose we do, Awe4one?"

 

"Well, cd4ever, I think we should find a source of radiation and do our part."

 

"What part would that be? The dying part?"

 

"No, no -- when the world is in danger, radiation causes the human body to mutate into fantastic superheroes. Obviously the world is in danger. The Marketplace just got chomped by the black, bubbling nothingness. We need to hurry."

 

"Oh, man, not the Marketplace!" groans Murph.

 

"I think we should ask those other guys if they want to come," says Scottish.

 

"What other guys?"

 

"Those other guys." Scottish points to a large crowd of men running from the black, bubbling nothingness.

 

"Over here!" shouts Awe4One.

 

Rob React, Blazing Bob, Comic Wiz, Kev the Mev, Dan Dristo, Big Man, Chromium, and Lantern arrive, out of breath.

 

"We... tried Wonder Bread... but it didn't erase the... black... bubbling nothingness," pants Chromium.

 

"We have a better plan. Follow me!" shouts Awe4one, marching his men toward a nuclear reactor.

 

Soon...

 

Standing in front of the reactor doors, Awe again takes charge. "We'll split into two groups. Otherwise it'll be too tight a fit. Some of you really need to work out."

 

Chubby cheeks redden, but no one admits they never leave their computers.

 

"First, we'll send in a test subject. Any volunteers?"

 

Silence.

 

"Okay, Dan Drista, you're new and recently threw a hissy fit. You go."

 

"Nah ah!"

 

"Thanks for volunteering." Awe shoves Dan through the door. "Hookay, let's see. The gauge says 'low, medium, high, superpowers, and fatal.' Seems pretty straightforward." Awe sets the level on superpowers. He waits 3 mintues, then turns off the reactor and opens the door. Dan Drista is a pile of ashes.

 

"Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?" asks zillatoy.

 

"Just a small error. Let's try it again. Hop on in, Elvis."

 

"Why me?"

 

"You asked to be part of this group. You wanted to be a hero. So here's your chance!"

 

"I changed my mind."

 

"Thank you for volunteering." Awe shoves Elvis through the door, sets the gauge and waits 2 minutes. The timer goes off, and he opens the door.

 

Elvis staggers out, his fingers and toes webbed. "That is not pleasant." He notices his webbed fingers. "Oh nertz. Looks like I've got some kind of aquaguy powers. Those are never useful. Especially in flight-based battles."

 

"Step aside, Damp Dude, we've got other fish to fry."

 

"And the fish jokes begin. Wonderful."

 

"First group, into the radiation chamber. Let's go."

 

"What about you?" asks Murph.

 

"Fine, I'll go in the first group. DD, you do the honors. Set it on Superhero and leave us in for 2 minutes."

 

"Anyone have a watch with a second hand?" asks Damp Dude.

 

"Take mine. It's military," says Awe, then walks courageously through the door. He is quickly followed by Scottish, Speedjunkie, Zillatoy, cd4ever and Chromium.

 

Damp Dude closes the door, sets the gauge, times 2 minutes, then opens the door.

 

Awe4one is the first one out. His clothes have fallen away from his overly muscled body, with the exception of his khaki boxer shorts. He is super strong and immediately declares himself to be Sgt. Rocky. "Hey, yo, so what powers you guys got?"

 

Scottish touches his chest to check for new muscles, but his hands are immediately stuck. "Uh... I can't..." He finally pulls them off and his shirt rips off with them. "I'm really sticky." Testing it out, he climbs the reactor door, walks across the ceiling and comes down the other side. "I'm Spider-Man!" he says.

 

"No, you're not strong, you don't have the knowledge to make webs, and..." Sgt. Rocky punches him, "...you don't have spider sense. I think you're just sticky. We'll call you Magic Tape."

 

Scottish regains consciousness. "Wha...?"

 

"Next!" shouts Sgt. Rocky. A blur runs past him and suddenly his khaki underwear are around his ankles. "Who did that?" he shouts.

 

"Me!" shouts Speedjunkie as he stops for a moment in front of Sgt. Rocky. "I'm the Flash!"

 

The Sarge pulls up his undies. "Stop fooling around, Go Go. Still, superspeed should come in handy. Now who's next? Where's Zillatoy?"

 

"Right here." Out of the chamber walks a Tyrannosaurus Rex wearing wearing black, with a sword on his back.

 

"What the hell are you supposed to be?"

 

"Best I can figure, I'm a ninja dinosaur. I am not a happy guy right now."

 

"Like Godzilla!" says Rob React. "You're a Japanese monster movie. That is sooo lame!"

 

"Pipe down, Rob." Rocky motions the beast out of the reactor. "Be proud, Zilla; you're a powerful hero now."

 

"Oh yeah, pride. That's what I'm feeling. Sheesh."

 

"Anyone else in there?"

 

A second ninja dinosaur walks out.

 

"How did that happen?" asks Comic Wiz.

 

Suddenly, the second monster shimmers and turns into cd4ever. "Just messing with you. I'm a shape-shifter."

 

"Yeah, well quit aping me, or I'll bite your head off," growls Zilla.

 

"Use your powers for good, Ape." Sgt. Rocky looks in the door. Chromium is sitting in the corner staring at clumps of his own hair. He is completely bald. "Come on out, Chromium."

 

"I knew radiation could make your hair fall out, but how come I'm the only one who had that happen?"

 

"Heh, he's Lex Luthor," whispers Blazing Bob.

 

"Am not!"

 

"Are so!"

 

"Just hold on everyone. What are your powers, Chromium?" Sgt. Rocky helps the bald man to his feet.

 

"I don't know. Probably something stupid like the ability to induce hair loss."

 

"Just try some stuff."

 

After several trials, Chromium realizes that he has power over metal. He can melt it, reshape it, and animate it.

 

"Welcome to the world of useful superheroes, Chrome Dome!" says Sgt. Rocky.

 

"Love the powers, hate the name."

 

"Okay, that's everyone. Time for the next group. Guys? Hop on in."

 

The rest of the men file into the chamber and shut the door. Sgt. Rocky pulls the lever, but unused to his new strength, he accidently puts it on Fatal. He realizes his error almost immediately, and adjusts it to Superhero. "Um... maybe they should just get a minute and a half."

 

"You sure that won't have an adverse affect?" asks Zilla. As if becoming a gigantic ninja dinosaur isn't an adverse effect.

 

"I dunno. I guess we'll find out..."

 

Meanwhile…

 

When the seconds tick away to a minute and a half, Sgt. Rocky turns off the reactor and opens the door. The stench of evil wafts out. "Uh oh. Something has gone terribly wrong!"

 

"Sorry! That was me," admits Lantern, fanning the air behind his posterior. He emerges from the reactor. "I sure hope that's not my power." He does some tests and realizes he can shoot laser beams from his knees when he squats.

 

"Cool power, lame delivery," says Go Go.

 

"Step aside, Squatter, there are several men still in there."

 

The next one out is Big Man. He is about an inch tall. "This sucks!" he squeaks. No one hears him.

 

He is nearly trampled by kevthemev. "Do I look different? Do I have any powers?" asks kev.

 

"Experiment a little," says Rocky.

 

Kev concentrates, trying to access one of the standard superpowers, but nothing happens. He tries again, opening his mind to any possibility. A piece of paper floats up and makes itself into a paper airplane.

 

"Oh, man, talk about lame!" laughs Go Go.

 

"Ooh, a scary paper airplane! Everyone duck!" says Damp Dude.

 

The airplane lands on Magic Tape, sticking to him. "Sigh. This is going to happen a lot, isn't it?"

 

"Go help Magic, Origami."

 

"Origami? Stupid name, lame power, damned radiation..." he mumbles.

 

"Anyone want to give me a name?" asks Big Man. No one hears him.

 

Next out is Blazingbob. He is on fire.

 

"Quick! Damp Dude -- do something!"

 

"What do you want me to do? Swim at him??"

 

"Can't you make water appear or something?"

 

"No! I told you -- Aquaguy powers are never useful!"

 

"Chill out, guys. I'm fine," says the blazing one. "Just call me Pyro!"

 

"Make way for Fission!" says Rob React, pulsing with the power of nuclear energy.

 

"Just a darn minute here!" says Origami. "Bob gets to be Pyro and Rob gets to be Fission and both have way cool totally powerful powers? Yet I'm fricking Origami and can make paper do stupid things? Where's the justice?"

 

"You think you've got problems? What about me!" shouts Big Man. No one hears him.

 

"What's all the complaining about?" asks Werner Von Doom. He emerges wearing a white lab coat and thick, black-rimmed glasses.

 

"What are you supposed to be?" asks Rocky.

 

"Judging by the pocket protector and a mind full of mathematical equations, I'd say I’m a genius scientist. And my name shall be--"

 

"Larry Von Dork!" shouts Origami, making sure someone has a lamer name than he has.

 

"You'll pay for that, Origami," says Larry.

 

With a mighty roar, an oversized gecko exits the reactor. Licking his oversized eyes, he says, "Do I look any different? I don't feel any different."

 

"I hypothesize that you are an oversized gecko," postulates Larry Von Dork.

 

"I'm hungry. Who wants to be my dinner?" asks comicwiz.

 

"A killer lizard -- wait, wait, I got it! How about Kizard!" says Origami.

 

"It needs to be more comic-booky. Ki-Zar. How's that? Better?" Everyone agrees and Sgt. Rocky motions Ki-Zar into a meatless corner of the room. "Don't ruin your dinner snacking on anyone here, Ki-Zar."

 

"Okay," he mumbles.

 

Suddenly, everyone starts feeling really bad about themselves. They hate their new names, can't stand their powers, and no longer care about saving the world. In the midst of this cloud of depression, emerges Murph.

 

"You can call me Negative Lad. Don't expect to feel good until I leave."

 

"Is that everyone? Oh, who cares..." mumbles Sgt. Rocky, no longer filled with pride over his giant muscles.

 

"Where's Big Man?" asks Ape, ashamed of his simian moniker.

 

"Down here! Not that it matters..." says Big Man. A laser beam shoots over his head as Squatter squats down to lift him up.

 

"Sorry, Runt."

 

"Runt? Now I feel so much better about being an inch tall."

 

"Okay, quiet everyone. Negative Man, turn off the juice."

 

Negative Man stops radiating low self-esteem rays and the roomful of heroes brightens immediately. "It's like Prozac without the sexual disfunction!" says Chrome Dome.

 

Suddenly, Dena-Myte and Gemma-Mint shimmer into their midst. "We're low on villains, so we've decided to take some of you and form The Bad Brigade. The rest of you can remain good guys and be The Hero Squadron. That way we can have a really good ruckus before we destroy the universe.

 

"No way," says Sgt. Rocky, his muscles rippling threateningly.

 

"You can have Negative Man, Origami and Runt!" offers Go Go.

 

Dena-Myte immediately chains the 3 men in a show of dominance and bondage. While the men go weak at the knees at the sexual imagery, Gemma-Mint grabs Fission, Pyro and Larry Von Dork. "We're not just taking the lame ones."

 

Dena-Myte corrals Squatter and Ki-Zar. "What none of you understand is that by baking this batch for only a minute and a half, you have turned them into villains. In less time than it takes for Dominos to deliver a pizza, all of these men will be 100% evil. You have sealed your own doom, fools!"

 

With a press of a button on her belt, Dena-Myte transports herself, Gemma-Mint and the 8 members of The Bad Brigade out of the room.

 

"Okay, one side effect. Still, it's not a total loss. We're The Hero Squadron, and we're ready to save the universe!"

 

"I miss Ki-Zar," mumbles Damp Dude.

 

"He wanted to drown you in Russian dressing and eat you on rye. Get over it. We're on our own now."

 

With a lifting of their chins, The Hero Squadron slowly exit the reactor room. "I hate evil. Those guys are dead meat," says Go Go. With a murmur of agreement, the new team of do-gooders prepares to battle the men they'd once considered friends.

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 10: Brawling and Bawling

 

There is pandemonium in the water cooler. The bubbling, black nothingness has eaten the Land of Coinee and all its inhabitants. The comic forums are gone. Only the Water Cooler is left. Heroes and villains face off in various threads, ready to rip each other to pieces.

 

The JBH and The N'Superables align themselves against Coinee, Dr. Gloom, and Lord Rawl. The Hero Squadron, with The Brick, Flame War and Where'd He Go, face off against The Bad Brigade. And because there aren't enough villains, The Solar Powers confront The Hostess Hoarde.

 

Far above the fracas, The Archi-Moderator, Gemma-Mint, and Dena-Myte watch the action unfold, while cackling evilly and snacking on Mountain Dew and Trail Mix -- the kind with the M&Ms in it, so it's less about health and more about the fact that the commissary ran out of frozen Snickers bars.

 

The JBH & N'Superables vs. Coinee, Dr. Gloom, and Lord Rawl

 

"I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and reading Atom Age horror books in a really spooky voice on the loudspeaker," says Spelling Bee.

 

"That might work..." says Rerun, thinking it wouldn't work.

 

"Ignore the Bee, Rerun," says Lighthouse. "That's always his plan. It hasn't got a chance in hell."

 

Bee finishes setting up a PA system and tests the mike. "Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3, sibilance, sibilance, we've got a great big convoy rolling through the night! Hey good-looking, what you got cooking?"

 

"I surrender!" trumpets Supafreak. "I cannot take that frogging singing any more!"

 

"Hmm... maybe it would work," mumbles Lighthouse.

 

Just then, Coinee, Dr. Gloom and Lord Rawl round the corner.

 

"Oh look! Justa Buncha Lamers and the N'Sufferables!" says Coinee.

 

"Score one bagging for our side," says Lord Rawl.

 

"'. That's not a bagging. Ever since you got metal-plated, you've lost your touch. You're barely even a troll at this point," says Mylite.

 

"Turd!"

 

" " says Mylite.

 

" "

 

" "

 

" "

 

" "

 

"Who's winning?" whispers RTF.

 

"It's difficult to pick a winner so soon," says Emoticon, "but both are using their weapons masterfully. This is an incredible duo-bagging, the likes of which we may never see again."

 

"Oh for corn's sake, stop it, both of you!" shouts Lord Rawl. He uses his mighty mental abilities, forcing Mylite and Coinee to do a tango.

 

" ," says Emoticon.

 

"That gives me an idea..." says Donut, whispering in Lighthouse's ear.

 

House slips out of Donut's hole and sneaks away to a big and tall shop on the corner.

 

RTF, frustrated with the lameness of the battle, squirts Lord Rawl with goo. Rawl leaps into the air with a girlish scream. Coinee and Mylite stop dancing and retreat to their own sides, winded.

 

Dr. Gloom makes a piano and a safe fall from a 20 story window, aimed right at Raspberry Toaster Pastry. Supafreak sees it, trumpets, and pushes RTP aside. The safe lands on his head, killing him instantly.

 

Both heroes and villains stand around for a bit, not sure what to do. "Dang, I didn't know anyone was going to get killed," mumbles Bee.

 

"I fear the reprisals and think I will leave this battle for several months, returning only when it's obvious you need my enormous brain to help you live your lives," says Dr. Gloom, high-tailing it off the battlefield.

 

Coinee begins laughing. "Loser!" he shouts, pointing at the dead mammoth.

 

"That's not nice," says Alias. "He was our friend."

 

"Friend of a loser!"

 

Anger builds in the N'Superables, but they are reminded of their loss when Rerun plays a test pattern with a musical track of the Star Spangled Banner. "He'll pay for this," says Alias.

 

"We have to do something!" says RTP. "We have to avenge his death!"

 

"And KostumeKween's!" adds Mylite.

 

"What are you going to do, ya bunch of Nancys? I'm invulnerable! You can't hurt me!"

 

"Someone poke him in the eye!" shouts Bee.

 

Coinee closes his eyes and mouth, leaving nothing but solid fused-coin invulnerability.

 

Suddenly, a man in a trenchcoat and fedora approaches Coinee. In his hat is a card that says 'Press'. "Newt Samson, foreign correspondent. May I ask you some questions about the battle, Mr. Coinee?"

 

Coinee shakes his head 'no', fearing it's a trick to get him to open his vulnerable, over-sized mouth.

 

"It's not a good time," says Lord Rawl.

 

"What paper are you from?" asks Lighthouse, back from his errand.

 

"What paper? Why, The Hindu! It's India's largest news source."

 

Coinee's eyes snap open and he begins to guffaw uncontrollably.

 

"What's so funny?" asks Newt.

 

Coinee answers only with more laughter.

 

"Now" shouts Donut.

 

Quickly, Alias splits into 12 people and surrounds Lord Rawl, each of his different selves thinking of Stan Lee dialogue to daze and confuse the mind-reader. Rerun turns up his TV, further confusing the mind-controller with an episode of 'Saved By the Bell'.

 

Bee leaps into Donut's hole backwards. Lighthouse blinds Coinee with his high beams. Donut flies like a bullet toward the silver-plated villain, aiming Bee's lethal stinger for the enormous laughing mouth.

 

Unable to bear the torture, Lord Rawl runs screaming from Alias and Rerun.

 

"The Hindu! ," continues Coinee. With a final burst of speed, Donute plants Bee's stinging butt directly in Coinee's laughing mouth. The villain dies instantly.

 

There is a moment of quiet and then pandemonium breaks out as the crowds cheer for the triumphant heroes. They high five each other, having experienced their very first vanquishing.

 

"That all you wanted me to do, House?" asks Newt.

 

"That was plenty, buddy. Have a cup of joe on me," he says, giving him a sawbuck. Newt walks back toward the Big and Tall shop to return the coat and hat, while the heroes come down from their high at the sight of a large, dead woolly mammoth blocking the street.

 

"He gave his life to save mine," says RTP.

 

"He will be avenged," says Emoticon, streams of tears flying sideways out of both of his eyes.

 

Meanwhile…

 

The Hero Squadron is in an empty thread, testing out their new powers. Sgt. Rocky is drilling the men, teaching them how to do covert operations, keep a steady amount of stubble on their chins at all times, and force-feeding them unfiltered Camels so that they can look world-weary in a foxhole.

 

"Cough, cough -- how'm I going to hold my breath underwater if my lungs are full of ta-bakky?" asks Damp Dude wanting to appear more colorful in hopes that will keep him alive just a little longer.

 

"Can't you breathe water, gill-boy?" asks Zilla.

 

"It would be better than smelling you."

 

"Hey! Below the belt!" Zilla is a little sensitive about the prehistoric scent that wafts from his scaly hide. "I'll bet the Mesozoic reaked!" he mumbles. "I probably smell like a handful of lilacs compared to one of those 180 ton freaks."

 

"Quiet in the ranks!," shouts Rocky, thrusting out his muscled chest to impress upon his men that he has the strength to subdue anyone -- even a 2 story ninja dinosaur.

 

"Sir, yes sir!" shouts Ape, shape-shifting into the form of a perfect marine.

 

"We're army, boy," says Rocky. He draws menacingly close, nose to nose. "The only Marine in these ranks is Damp Dude, and he has an excuse."

 

"I thought I was Navy."

 

"Shut up!"

 

"Eep."

 

Zilla laughs quietly at Damp Dude's distress. Unfortunately, laughing quietly for him sounds like an ear-splitting roar to the rest of the troops. Magic Tape ducks behind Chrome Dome.

 

"Get away from me, man!"

 

"Oops, I appear to be stuck..." MT's hands are stuck to CD's shoulders, and his cheek is hopelessly attached to his back.

 

"That power of stickiness? That's just really going to be helpful. I can't wait until you try to stop Fission's atomic powers by pasting yourself on him."

 

MT finally struggles free of CD, a piece of CD's shirt hanging off his cheek. "Did I get to choose these powers? Did I think, 'Oh, please, let me have the power of Elmer's School Glue!' No, I did not. I was hoping for maybe Green Arrow's skill with a bow and arrow. I could've handled that. With this power, I can't shoot an arrow because it would just STICK TO MY HAND!!"

 

"Hey, don't come unglued."

 

"No talking in the ranks!" shouts Rocky.

 

"He's making fun of me, Sarge!"

 

"Am not!"

 

"Are so!"

 

"Am not. I'm rubber and you're glue--"

 

"Shut up!" Sgt. Rocky leaves Ape, who's turned into a rock to escape Zilla's breath, and marches over to Chrome Dome and Magic Tape. "Everyone, gather around! I don't like what I'm seeing here."

 

The rest of the squad joins the three men. "What up?" asks Go Go, having trouble standing still.

 

"Morale stinks. You're all fighting each other, instead of the common enemy."

 

"What enemy? We're here alone," says Ape.

 

"Not quite. Look over there," says Zilla.

 

Three men approach. Well, actually it's one man, one large, yellow brick, and an invisible guy that no one sees, but trust me, he's there, too.

 

"This is a classified testing area! Go back from whence you came!" shouts Sgt. Rocky.

 

"Whence? Who are you, Stan Lee?" says Flame War.

 

"Heh. Stan Lee. Good one, FF," says the air next to FW.

 

"FW, dolt. We're in our hero forms now. I'm Flame War, got it?"

 

"And I'm The Brick."

 

"Gee, that's tough to remember, what with you're being a big, yellow brick and all. If only you'd picked something obvious."

 

"Leave butterball alone."

 

"Who died and made you king, FW?"

 

Flame War shoots jets of fire from his hands, but Where'd He Go was no longer standing where he was a second earlier. "Where'd he go?" asks FW.

 

"And you're complaining about my obvious name?"

 

"Shut up!" shouts Sgt. Rocky. "I'm sick of all the bickering!"

 

"It's called banter," says Ape, taking the form of Noel Coward.

 

"Who are you supposed to be?" asks Rocky.

 

"Noel Coward, erudite British playwright."

 

"There'll be no cowards in my Squad!"

 

Ape shifts to the monocled mascot of The New Yorker. "Better?"

 

"Much."

 

"So, you seen any bad guys?" asks Brick. "We're looking to kick some villain butt."

 

"So are we! High five!" says Go Go, slapping the air that just spoke.

 

"Ow! Dat was by dose!"

 

"You guys didn't happen to see an ocean or a lake or a large puddle around here, did you? I'm kind of useless without water," says Damp Dude, pulling the spandex out of his butt. "Damn thong. Why did I decide today was the day to try it out?"

 

"Nope. It's as dry as The Brick's love life."

 

"Hey! That hurt!"

 

"You're invulnerable. Suck it up."

 

"Enough! Everyone fall in! I'm going to whip you men into soldiers if it's the last thing I do! Any second now, we could be attacked by The Bad Brigade!"

 

"The Bad Brigade? So there are some villains? Excellent! I was afraid there weren't going to be any."

 

"Well there are! And they could come any second now."

 

Everyone searches the skies and horizon for a sign of the enemy, but it's all clear.

 

"...Just any... second now..."

 

Birds chirp, flowers bloom, the sun shines brightly.

 

"...they could be... you know, coming over that hill, or... flying in a flying thing... or zapping -- they do zap, y'know -- yeah, zapping into our midst..."

 

"Wish I had a Game Boy," says Go Go.

 

"I am a game boy," says Ape, turning into a giant handheld video game.

 

"...any second now..." says Rocky, searching the heavens for a sign, any sign.

 

The Hero Squadron and the three new recruits gather around Ape, playing Secret Agent Barbie.

 

"My niece has a game boy. It's the only game I know," says Ape sheepishly.

 

"There they are!" shouts Rocky. Everyone turns to look.

 

"That's a sparrow."

 

"From a distance it looked like the Bad Brigade."

 

"Close up, distance, still looks like a sparrow."

 

"Move over. I wanna be Barbie," says Sgt. Rocky.

 

Meanwhile…

 

"Excellent, they fell for my sparrow-bot. We shall take them completely by surprise," says Larry Von Dork. "Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

 

"Now can we go fight?" asks Pyro.

 

"Soon..."

 

There's a groan among the villains. "Anybody have a Game Boy?" asks Origami.

 

Elsewhere…

 

"I don't like the way that sparrow is looking at me," says Sgt. Rocky.

 

"It's probably just hungry and the veins popping out of your immense biceps look like worms," says Damp Dude.

 

"Maybe... Hey Ape! Turn yourself into a worm and go see if that sparrow will eat you."

 

"The loss of mass involved in such a dramatic shape shift would defy physics and change the very world itself. Can't be done." Ape pretends to use his palm as a calculator then shows Rocky his invisible calculations.

 

"Can't argue with the math. Never mind."

 

"Is that true?" whispers Magic Tape to Ape.

 

"Nah. I'm just not in the mood to become a bird's lunch."

 

"My metal sense is tingling!" says Chrome Dome, staring intently at the sparrow.

 

"You have 'metal sense'?"

 

"Well, something is tingling, and that sounded better than my first thought."

 

Everyone surreptitiously takes a few steps away from Chrome Dome.

 

"If Spelling Bee were here, Chromey could get it on with the birds and bees." Go Go waits for appreciative applause, but it never comes. "Kostume Kween would've laughed," he mumbled.

 

"Kween is dead, Go Go. We all have to live with that." Rocky puts a consoling hand on Go Go's shoulder.

 

Chrome Dome inches closer to the sparrow. "Something's wrong. I'm still sensing metal, but why?"

 

"Ore deposits?"

 

"Magic Tape's watch?"

 

"My giant ninja sword?" Zilla waves it toward Chromey.

 

"Cut it out! Get all the metal away from me. This is important!"

 

The men step further away, watching as Chrome Dome approaches the sparrow.

 

Meanwhile

 

"Uh oh."

 

"What is it, Larry?"

 

"The sparrow-bot. It may have been discovered."

 

"Time to fight?" asks Runt. No one hears him.

 

"Time to fight?" asks Squatter.

 

"Yes. It is time," says Larry Von Dork. "Time for these erstwhile heroes to meet their doom! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

 

"Doom it is. Let's get to it. Origami, get the maps. Ki-Zar, bring the snacks. Negative Lad, make sure the lights are off. And check the oven! Runt was heating up pizza earlier and he has trouble reaching the knobs. Everyone ready to go?" Squatter tries to retrieve a duffel bag, but accidentally shoots it full of laser holes with his knees. "Anyone see that?"

 

"I did!" shouts Runt, curled in a fetal position, his hair singed.

 

"Quit lallygagging!" shouts Negative Lad, inches from Runt's teeny tiny ears. High volume shouting is hell on teeny tiny ears.

 

"Bring 'em on!" shouts Pyro.

 

"We're going to them, not the other way around."

 

"Bring us on!" shouts Pyro.

 

"I'll get the mini-van," says Fission. "Remember, people, seat belts! We may be villains, but we're still safety first."

 

"Will do, Fission."

 

"I've got shotgun!" calls Runt, unable to hear anything.

 

"You've got cup holder. I've got shotgun," says Negative Lad.

 

They load into the mini-van, buckling up with anticipatory smiles.

 

"We're gonna kick some hero butt!"

 

"Bad Brigade assemble!"

 

"We are assembled. You were supposed to say that ten minutes ago, Larry."

 

"Down, down, and away!"

 

"Needs work."

 

Meanwhile

 

Chromey crouches in the tall grass, easing his way toward the sparrow. He tilts his head to listen and thinks he might hear the sound of metallic gears as the sparrow moves his head.

 

Chromey holds his hand over the ground, smiles, and digs until he finds an 1899 Barber quarter. "Dear God in heaven, I can't believe I know what this stupid quarter is called! Must... stop... trolling... coin... forum..." He uses his metal powers to reshape the quarter into a small, metallic worm. "This should accomplish two things: tempt the sparrow, and cause a coinee to have a heart attack."

 

He places the metal worm on the ground, and slowly begins manipulating the magnetic field around it, to make it move toward the sparrow.

 

Meanwhile...

 

A van-load of villains has pulled up and a raging battle ensues. Zilla and Ki-Zar begin an epic lizard stand-off, with mighty roars, and much licking of eyes by the gigantic gecko. Zilla is freaked by this, and pulls his sword out. Ki-Zar uses his enormous sticky tongue to snatch the sword away, but Zilla pulls out 2 shurikans and zips the throwing stars at Ki-Zar, making him drop the sword. Both beasts now weaponless, they decide to wrestle and tumble around for a while.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Origami attacks Magic Tape by throwing spitballs at him. MT is soon covered with saliva-wadded paper and is totally grossed out. Quickly, MT removes all his clothing, thus shedding the spitballs, and wraps his nude body around Origami, rendering the paper-controlling fiend useless and a little turned on.

 

"I'm useless! And a little turned on," says Origami.

 

"Ew, ew, ew," says MT, but he doesn't loosen his sticky grip.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Chromey inches his metallic worm ever closer to the sparrow.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Pyro and Flame War trade off flaming each other by shooting fire and typing nasty things about each other on a message board. They are evenly matched, in both firepower and sophomoric humor, so it's a stalemate. This doesn't deter either man as both keep declaring themselves the winner.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The Brick attacks Fission. Fission unleashes his atomic power, but the brick's invulnerability holds. The Brick fights back using bad puns like "You're toast, Fission! And I'm the one who's going to butter you!" and "Looks like you're in a jam!" Neither the atomic blasts nor the puns cause any significant injury.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Negative Lad and Larry von Dork surround Where'd He Go, trapping the invisible man between them. Neg Lad pours low self-esteem at him while Larry talks about math camp. The power is overwhelming and WdHG faints from self-loathing and boredom. But because he's invisible, neither Neg Lad nor Larry realize they've won, so they continue to use their insidious powers. Each gets caught in the cross-fire, and they, too, pass out.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The worm is within 10 feet of the sparrow now. Sweat breaks out over Chromey's brow, but his concentration is complete. Soon, his questions will be answered.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Although it looks like Squatter is doing some warming up before fighting, his deep knee bends are really an unsuccessful attempt to laser-tag Go Go. Go Go, however, has different plans, and keeps running at superspeed, missing the rays of deadly light. To prove his superiority, he continually taps Squatter on the shoulder in a show of defiance. It never occurs to Go Go that he could probably punch him or tie him up. Go Go's speed is directly proportional to the slowness of his IQ. The faster he runs, the stupider he gets.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Runt tries to hide behind a blade of grass, but screams when the grass starts talking to him. "Gotcha!"

 

Runt runs at top speed, but Sgt. Rocky scoops him up, holding him in his powerful hand. Although Runt beats the hands unmercifully, Rocky doesn't notice. "Ape, I thought you said you couldn't make yourself that small or the world would explode."

 

Ape shifts back to his original form, his cheeks reddening. "I said I couldn't become a worm. A blade of grass is completely different."

 

"How so?"

 

"Well, one's a brown squirmy thing, the other is a green plant."

 

"I'm not finding you funny. I think I'm going to make you eat this little runt for dinner."

 

"Oh come on! That's really nasty," shouts Runt. No one hears him.

 

"Make me, muscle-boy."

 

"Why I oughta--"

 

"What? If you throw a punch, I'll turn into a brick wall or something. I'm not taking any more of your orders!"

 

"Mutiny!"

 

"That's Navy talk, not Army!" says Ape.

 

He's gotten him good, and the Sarge knows it.

 

"You called?" asks Damp Dude. "Navy reporting for duty!"

 

"You're a Marine, not Navy. Besides, it doesn't take 3 of us to fight this little twerp," says Rocky, holding up Runt. "Go help someone else."

 

"No one wants my help. I told you - Aquaguy powers are totally useless."

 

"Jump in a puddle or something."

 

"Can't find one."

 

"Ape, turn into a puddle so Dampy can feel usefull."

 

"I'm not listening! La la la..." Ape has his hands over his ears and is jumping around to avoid taking anymore orders.

 

Damp Dude gets on all fours, trying to find some dew on the grass.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Four inches, three... Chrome Dome waits breathlessly, his eyes on the sparrow (not unlike the Baretta theme song, yet without the murdering his wife part).

 

Suddenly, the sparrow grabs the metal worm, and swallows it down. There is a loud whirring of gears and a metallic chirp.

 

"I knew it! It's a sparrow-bot!" Chromey melts the sparrow into a puddle, then turns to tell the team. "Hey guys! It's a trap! This isn’t a real bird, it's a sparrow-bot! Guys?"

 

All across the field are the bodies of heroes and villains. No one is left standing. A movement to his left startles Chromey, but it's only Damp Dude, trying to swim in the sparrow-bot metal puddle.

 

"Huh," says Chromey. "Wonder if I missed anything?"

 

Elsewhere…

 

"On your marks, get set -- goo!" Twinkie is filled with pride at the instant response to his order. "That's it, guys. All you have to do is think it, and you can make it. Ding Dong, nice Frankenstein. Cupcake, make the spiders bigger and more abundant. Susie Q, although a lot of fun, Playboy bunnies are not all that menacing."

 

"They are to virgins," says Susie Q. "And I'm banking that we'll have our share of virgins, regardless of who we fight."

 

"What are you, a coinee? Next you'll be making a Mom's basement joke!"

 

"Oops," says Snowball, standing in front of an exact replica of his mother's basement made entirely of creamy filling. He quickly reshapes it into the X-Men.

 

"Keep in mind that your creations are merely representations, not the real McCoys. They don't' have superpowers or anything."

 

Frustrated, Snowball makes a giant twinkie then stomps it.

 

"Okay, lads, take five," says Twinkie.

 

The Hostess Hoard marches their creations over to an enormous pile of goo on the edge of the practice field. "Wish we could make them disappear. Clean-up is going to be hell," says Ho Ho.

 

"I suppose we'll just make a goo clean-up crew and have them do it. And then they'll have to clean themselves up."

 

"I never knew being a hero was so exhausting," says Cupcake.

 

"You're out of shape. Drop and give me twenty," says Twinkie.

 

Cupcake drops to the ground, makes a 20 dollar bill out of goo, and hands it to Twinkie.

 

Before Twinkie can respond, he hears shouting from high above.

 

"Prepare to die!"

 

"Take no prisoners!"

 

"Win one for the big dipper!"

 

Spinning out of the clear blue sky, the Solar Powers land opposite The Hostess Hoard, ready for battle.

 

"We are The Solar Powers! And we are ready for battle!" says Jupiter.

 

"We are The Hostess Hoard! And we're on a break!" says Twinkie.

 

"Oh. Okay, we can wait."

 

"Thanks. Been a long morning."

 

"Perfectly understandable."

 

The Solar Powers mill about, talking amongst themselves while the Hostess Hoard finish their cigarettes, snacking, and gossip. After ten minutes, Twinkie stands up, brushes off his spandex and clears his throat.

 

"Okay, then, break's over guys!" shouts Twinkie.

 

Reluctantly, the Hostess Hoard assumes their battle positions.

 

"Everybody ready?" asks Jupiter. Both teams nod. "Solar Powers attack!"

 

"Hostess Hoard, on your mark, get set--" Twinkie is suddenly overcome by an explosion of ever-expanding gas. "...goo..." He passes out.

 

Quickly, Cupcake makes a replica of the Alaskan pipeline, and channels the gas away from his team.

 

Mercury steps up and cooks the pipeline until it melts into a sugary liquid.

 

"After this fight is over, could you melt of that pile of practice goo?" asks Ho Ho, pointing to the gigantic white mound of creamy filling.

 

"Sure, no problem."

 

"Much appreciated."

 

Snowball makes a huge pile of snowballs and begins pelting Mercury. Overcome by the barrage, Mercury is soon buried.

 

Seeing his fellow planet in distress, Saturn whips some energy rings at Snowball and knocks him out. Fruit Pie responds by setting up a carnival ring-toss game. Unable to resist winning the giant cream teddy bear, Saturn turns away from his team to concentrate on the game.

 

Venus turns on the love power and makes Fruit Pie his adoring slave. Fruit Pie makes boxes of goo candy and bouquets of creamy flowers, in an attempt to woo Venus with love clichés.

 

Seeing the tide turning, Cupcake makes a large knight in shining goo and sweeps Venus off his feet. Immediately, Mars takes up arms and begins jousting with the knight.

 

Earth sees that Cupcake is distracted by the jousting tournament. He causes a small earthquake under Cuppy's feet, causing the heroic Hostessoid to fall into a fissure.

 

Ding Dong runs to the aid of his friend, using a giant cream backhoe to dig out Cupcake. Then he turns the backhoe on Earth, who runs screaming. Alerted by the screams, Neptune washes away the backhoe with jets of water from his fingers, then turns them on Ding Dong. Twinkie creates a swimming pool and water slide -- something Neptune finds impossible to resist. He strips down to his shorts and begins sliding, shouting, "Watch me! Watch me!"

 

Saturn refuses to watch, as he is getting closer and closer to winning the giant teddy bear, so Pluto steps in and freezes the water in the pool. Neptune slips across the surface and hurts his tailbone in the fall, but at least he's no longer enraptured by the slide.

 

Jupiter sees that his crew are being picked off one at a time by the Hoard. Saturn is playing ring toss, Mars is fighting a knight, Venus stares lovingly at the knight, Earth is still running from a backhoe that no longer exists, Neptune is nursing a bruised tailbone, Mercury is buried under gooey snowballs, Pluto is ice-skating on the frozen swimming pool, and Uranus is just watching everything.

 

"Uranus! Now!" shouts Jupiter.

 

"Okee doke." Turning his back to the Hostess Hoard, Uranus scrunches up his face and unleashes his awesome power. As one, the Hoard faints from the noxious odor released by Uranus's south pole.

 

As soon as the Hoard loses consciousness, their creations revert to plain goo. The Solar Powers gather around -- some rather sheepishly -- looking at their fallen enemies.

 

"Dang it, I almost had it, too!" says Saturn, whipping an energy ring at the pile of goo that was once a carnival booth.

 

"I thought Sir Creamy really loved me for who I am inside," says Venus.

 

"Only if your outside is golden sponge cake," says Mars.

 

"Quiet! All of you just shut up!" says Jupiter. "This was pitiful. If we hadn't had our secret weapon, we'd have been wiped out."

 

Twinkie regains consciousness and stands up woozily. "The villains have won," he says sadly, looking at his fallen troops.

 

"Villains? You got it wrong, pal. We're the heroes. You're the villains, and you've lost." Jupiter and the Solar Powers strike a heroic pose to bring the point home.

 

"We're not villains! We're heroes!" says Twinkie, also striking a heroic pose. The Hoard slowly awakens, notices that it's a pose-off and quickly join their leader.

 

"Oh man! We fell into the biggest cliché of all!" says Jupiter. "We did the 'heroes meet; don't realize they're all heroes and fight' shtick!"

 

"Dagnabbit! That means there are probably a bunch of villains with no one to fight."

 

"I've had it with all this in-fighting. The real villain is up there somewhere," says Jupiter, pointing to the empty sky. "It's the Archi-Moderator that we need to fight, not each other!"

 

"You're right. We need to band together, hero and villain alike. We need to defeat the Archi-Moderator!"

 

A cheer rises from both groups. They realize that this is the moment when everything changes. They have spent their lives -- or at least a few hours -- fighting for what's right. Well, defeating the Archi-Moderator is the biggest right of them all.

 

"We must unite!"

 

"Yes! We cannot fail! Right Hostess Hoard?"

 

"Right!"

 

"Right Solar Powers?"

 

"Right!"

 

"Let's get him!"

 

[minutekev@50]

Issue 11: The Meeting

 

In a gigantic thread about nothing, the heroes and villains meet. On the stage are Lighthouse, Jupiter, Twinkie, Alias, Sgt. Rocky, and Larry Von Dork. Lighthouse blinks his light to get everyone to quiet down, but no one pays attention.

 

"Shut up!" shouts Sgt. Rocky, at which everyone falls silent. "G'head, House."

 

"We have called everyone together because we face a common enemy. We shouldn't be fighting among ourselves, we should be destroying the Archi-Monitor!" He waits for cheers and applause, but there is silence. "He's really bad!" Beat. "He's an evil-doer!" There's a small murmur. "That's right, I called him an evil-doer! And I say bring 'em on, and let's roll, and it's a crusade, and, and, and... we need to kick the axis out of his evil! Right now!"

 

"Who writes his speeches?" whispers Earth.

 

"We found it on Coinee," says Bee. "It was originally posted to some coin collector named 'TJ' about the lack of originality in the Water Cooler. Because House didn't want the Archi-Moderator to know we're all in here, he figured he'd better disguise his speech as right-wing rhetoric."

 

"Works for me!" says Rerun. "I'm all fired up!" His TV-belly shows WWII bombing strafes over Germany from the History Channel.

 

"I'm getting all tingly," says Venus.

 

Uranus hands him some tough-actin' Tenactin.

 

House holds up his hands and blinks his light and the crowd goes silent again. "We need to go back in time to before the Archi-verse was formed. This way, we eliminate him and start all over."

 

Mylite holds up his hand.

 

"Yes, you in the tiny shorts?"

 

"Don't we need mystics for that sort of thing? None of us are magic-based heroes."

 

"We're going to use the power of the psychic hotline. Twinkie, the cell phone, please."

 

Twinkie dials the number he's had memorized for years and hands the phone to House.

 

House listens for a moment, presses 1 to accept the charges, then gives a thumb's up to the crowd. "I am Lighthouse, from the JBH, and to save the world as we know it, we need all of the powerful psychics on your psychic network to send us back in time. (pause) I'm really tall... married... What man in a green suit? Hmm... maybe Dave, that guy who runs the Applebees near Salt Lake City. ...with my wife? Really? Why that dirty--"

 

"House, the back-in-time thing," says Alias.

 

"Right. I'll deal with this later. Right now, we need to go back in time to before the origin of the Archi-Moderator so that we can change history and make sure Dave was never born. I mean, the Archi-Moderator was never born. Getting rid of him is priority 2! I mean 1! Can you do it?"

 

The crowd leans forward, waiting to hear the answer.

 

"You can? How much a minute? Sheesh! That's a bit pricey, doncha think? (pause) We have two kids, Brick and Mortar. (pause) Justa sec, I need a pen."

 

Larry hands him a pen. "I want that back."

 

"Okay, 6, 11, 24, 32, 8 and the mega-number is... 42, got it. Thanks."

 

A murmur rises from the crowd, but House again silences them.

 

"The good news: they can do it!"

 

Cheers!

 

"The bad news: it's going to cost a few million dollars."

 

Boos!

 

"The good news: she gave me the winning lottery numbers!"

 

Cheers!

 

"The bad news: the lottery isn't for a couple of days and by then we'll all be dead."

 

Boos!

 

"The good news: if we sell all of our comics, we can get a down payment!"

 

Boos!

 

"The bad news: there's not enough time to sell all of our comics."

 

Cheers!

 

"The good news: they'll accept VISA, MasterCard or Paypal."

 

A mixed response.

 

"More good news: they already have Twinkie's card numbers on file!"

 

Cheers from everyone except Twinkie, who turns white and passes out.

 

"Everyone get in a circle and hold hands. The time dimension should be opening up any minute now and we have to concentrate, putting all of our immense superpowered energy toward keeping the gateway open and traveling back in time. Anyone who gets car-sick take a Dramamine now. There'll be no ralphing in the time tunnel. Screws up the space-time continuum. Okay, now, people! A giant circle!"

 

Quickly, the heroes gather in a giant circle, holding hands. Damp Dude begins to sing Cumbayah and everyone joins in. They wait for tense minutes, straining to see the portal opening before their very eyes. But it doesn't. Twinkie's cell phone rings, waking him.

 

"Yellow!" says Twinkie. "Uh huh, yes, I see, okee doke." He hangs up and turns to the crowd. "My VISA was rejected. Happily, they had Susie Q's on file and his went through for the whole amount."

 

Susie Q faints. Quickly, they close the circle again, kicking his unconscious body out of the way. "Thanks, man," mumbles Ho Ho to his now penniless teammate.

 

Suddenly, in a flash of blinding, coruscating light, a time tunnel appears in the center of the circle.

 

"Last one in is a rotten egg!" shouts Bee, and the mob tumbles into the unknown.

 

Elsewhere…

 

At the beginning of time, which resembles the lobby of the Howard Johnson's in Tulsa, Oklahoma, off route 6, is a small group of men known only as The Lurkers -- unless you know their names, and then they're known by their names more than by The Lurkers.

 

"I'm tired of being known only as a lurker to most people, and to you guys by my name," says Aces.

 

"Yeah, it sucks," says mrwoogieman.

 

"I saw on the news that a whole bunch of heroes from the future are on their way here. They're going to change time so that the Archi-Moderator was never born." Dillmeister is proud of his ability to swoop into a group, stir up controversy, then disappear. Quickly, he ducks behind a chair and begins to sneak away.

 

"Aw, man! There goes the timestream!" says Fokker.

 

"I so regret moving here, now. I should've stayed in limbo," says otis.

 

"We can stop them. We've got that pool of infinite mystery that we never use. What say we go for a swim?" Aces strips down to his boxers, which sport a large arrow with the slogan Find Thor's mighty hammer and win a trip to Valhalla!

 

Dillmeister stops sneaking out and decides to stay. "I'm game!"

 

"Let's go!"

 

The Five lurkers run to the pool of infinite mystery, make sure there's a lifeguard on duty, then dive in. Immediately, strange things begin to happen to them.

 

Meanwhile

 

"Day Guy, there's a disruption in the time stream," says Hour Guy.

 

"Call Year Guy. He needs to know."

 

"Minute Guy already called. He's coming here and bringing both Decade Guy and Century Guy."

 

"As long as no one tells Millennium Guy. He's in anger management class and shouldn't be disturbed."

 

"Trouble!" shouts Second Guy, running into the room in a second. "Big trouble!"

 

"Yes, we know about the superheroes in the time stream, Second Guy," says Day Guy.

 

"Huh? I was talking about the fact that we're out of non-diary creamer in the break room."

 

"We are? Dear Clocks in Heaven, that's terrible news!" says Hour Guy.

 

"Second Guy, don't delay. Run to the 7-11 and get some, now! I can't drink my international coffee without cream and you know I'm lactose intolerant."

 

Second Guy immediately runs out the door.

 

Three distinguished men arrive, looking very upset. "What's this about superheroes in the time stream? And would someone get me a cup of Mocha Almond with non-dairy creamer?" Century Guy rushes to the monitor to keep an eye on the tumbling superheroes being ripped through time.

 

"Where do you suppose they're headed?" asks Decade Guy.

 

"Our best guess is the dawn of time," says Hour Guy. "What are we going to do?"

 

"I sent Week Guy and Month Guy into the time stream to intercept them," says Century Guy. "Now we can only pray and drink international coffee."

 

Meanwhile, in the time stream

 

"There's a roadblock up ahead!" shouts Bee, trying to figure out how to put the breaks on a chaotic slide through time.

 

Miraculously, the heroes are slowed to a comfortable stop as they reach the barriers.

 

"Newt Samson, FBI," says Week Guy, approaching the heroes. "Anyone carrying any contraband?"

 

"What would be contraband here?"

 

"Johnny Double, INS," says Month Guy. "Contraband -- watches, hourglasses, calendars, things of that nature."

 

"I have a watch," says Rerun. Several dozen voices join his as they remove their watches.

 

"Mylite has a calendar!" says Emoticon.

 

"Shut up, !" says Mylite, holding tightly to his 1992 Wonder Woman calendar.

 

"Give it up, son," says Month Guy.

 

"Don't wanna."

 

"Don't cause any trouble, Mylite!" whispers Alias.

 

"What harm can it do? It's not current."

 

"Everything is current in the time stream," says Week Guy.

 

"If I may ask," interjects Lighthouse. "Why is the FBI and the INS in the time stream?"

 

"Secret ops from the Bush Administration," says Month Guy.

 

"Sounds about right," grumbles Donut.

 

"May we pass?"

 

"I'm afraid not. You're going to have to turn around and go back to where you came. You're over the limit of allowable time travelers," says Month Guy.

 

"What if just a few of us went through -- would that work?"

 

"Now you're ticking me off," says Week Guy. He leans over the Month Guy and whispers, "Ticking -- get it? Ha!"

 

"Good one!"

 

"Something isn't right here," mumbles Bee, knowingly.

 

Meanwhile

 

"They're going to blow it!" says Decade Guy, agitated. "Call Millennium Guy, quick!"

 

"He won't come without the creamer!"

 

"Where is Second Guy?"

 

"About to be spread on raisin toast if he doesn't get here in seconds!" growls Century Guy.

 

"What is all this?" comes the great, booming voice of Millennium Guy.

 

"We're dead," says Minute Guy, fainting.

 

In the Pool of Infinite Mystery, The Lurkers are experiencing strange and incredibly painful transformations.

 

"Man, this transformation is strange!" says Fokker.

 

"And incredibly painful!" adds otis.

 

"I dunno. Doesn't feel too bad," says Aces. "I once had a root canal without Novocain and this is only a wee bit worse. I thought it was going to be really horrifying -- like listening to an entire CD of Celine Dion."

 

"You monster!" shouts mrwoogieman. "That's beyond imagining!"

 

Woogie tries to swim away from the others to have a mental breakdown, but the surface of the pool is thick with red algae and rotten kelp. Granted, it's better than listening to Celine, but not by a whole lot.

 

"What're you guys doing?" asks blutobc. He's still wearing the suit he wore to court.

 

"Did you beat the ticket?" asks dillmeister between screams of pain.

 

"Nah. They had me cold."

 

"What'd you do?" asks Aces backstroking toward Bluto.

 

"The time police caught me watching future porn in the Portal of Eternity."

 

"Damn! Break the prime directive, why don't you! So why aren't you in death row?"

 

"I mistyped the date. In1899 all they had were semi-nude playing cards where overweight women wearing pantaloons looked over their shoulders and winked at the camera. The judge found me too pathetic to sentence to death. So I got community service."

 

"What do you have to do?"

 

"Get the scum out of the Pool of Infinite Mystery. So c'mon, guys, out you go."

 

"You calling us scum?" asks Fokker.

 

"No. Didn't any of you notice the 3 feet of slime on top of the water?"

 

"We did... but we thought that was normal," mumbles Aces.

 

"It's deadly red algae and rotten kelp, so get out before you get sick!"

 

"Oh man!"

 

"Ewww!"

 

They quickly leave the pool and realize that they have been dyed red, head to toe.

 

"We thought the pool would give us powers.

Instead it's turned us into flowers!" they all say in unison.

 

"What the hell?" says blutobc. "What's with the rhymes? And the unison?"

 

"We don't know, must be pollution.

Save us, please! Find a solution!"

 

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

 

"Do something fast! Oh, this is krap!

This isn't poetry, not even rap.

We sound like a retarded chorus.

If we talk much longer, we'll even bore us!"

 

"Man, that is really lame. I take it that's not a talent pool?"

 

"Bluto, please, just get some help

or we'll strangle you with rotted kelp!"

 

"All right, all right. Don't get your iambic pentameters in a bundle. I'll drive you to the emergency room or something."

 

"Thank you! Phew! But please be quick.

Our underwear has begun to stick."

 

Bluto sees that although they are all rubbing at the red coloring furiously, it isn't coming off. Then he realizes that the motions they're making are all in unison. It's as though they're becoming a collective -- one mind, one really bad rhyme. "Yeah, I'll hurry. This is getting freaky. Get in." They all jump into the back seat of his car, suddenly fused at the elbows. "You insufficiently_thoughtful_persons are like a giant, red paper doll. Wait'll the rest of the guys see this."

 

"No! Please no!

Just Go! Go! Go!"

 

"Heh." Bluto has other plans.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Still stuck in the time stream, the legion of forum heroes and villains sit around playing cards, jacks, and 20 questions. Mylite plays a lonely harmonica, his slab slumped against the swirling wall of time.

 

"Are you bigger than a breadbox?" asks Snowball.

 

"Yes," says Runt.

 

"Are you animal, vegetable, or mineral?" asks Ding Dong.

 

"Yes or no questions only."

 

"Okay, animal?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Are you a Balineese Gaboon?" asks Pluto.

 

"No."

 

"I don't think there are Gaboons in Bali," says Saturn.

 

"Gaboons are monkeys, right? Or are they snakes?" Rerun isn't sure. If only he'd watched more Animal Planet!

 

"Doesn't matter, that's not who I am," says Runt.

 

"There's a Gaboon Viper, I think," says Origami.

 

"And Gibbons. Those are monkeys, aren't they?" says Magic Tape.

 

"So a Gaboon and a Gibbon are two different animals. Which one is found on the island of Bali?"

 

"I'M NOT A BALINEESE GABOON!!!!" shouts Runt.

 

"Shut up, Runt. We're trying to decide something here."

 

"You're supposed to be playing 20 questions! I'll give you a hint: I used to be a co-host with Regis Philben."

 

"I'm fairly certain Regis never had a monkey or a snake as a co-host, so that can't be right. Don't worry, we'll get this." The Brick is proud of his intimate knowledge of daytime TV.

 

"Psst!" whispers Bee, interrupting their thrilling game. "Guys, over here. We have some theories."

 

"About Gaboons and Gibbons?"

 

"Leeza Gibbons! She used to be Regis's co-host! I win! I win!" says Uranus.

 

"It's not Leeza Gibbons, it's Kathy Lee!" shouts Runt, but no one hears him.

 

"We have a plan," says Bee. "A plan to get us out of the time stream."

 

"No kidding? What is it?"

 

"Listen closely. Bzz bzz bzzz..."

 

"I can't hear you," says Alias.

 

"Yeah, speak up," says Emoticon.

 

"You know, when you whisper, you really do sound just like a bee," says Fruit Pie. The others shush him. "Well, he does."

 

"Fine, I'll speak up, but we'll need someone to distract Mr. FBI and Mr. INS over there.

 

"I'll do it," says Mylite. "I'm irresistible. It's my power. They won't be able to ignore me."

 

As Mylite heads toward their captors, Bee outlines the plan.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Mylite slinks seductively toward Newt Samson, FBI (Week Guy in disguise) and Jonny Double, INS (Month Guy in disguise).

 

"How's it going?" Mylite asks, batting his eyelashes and hiking up his short shorts a wee bit higher.

 

Trapped by Mylite's superpower of irresistibility, Newt and Jonny start stammering and fumbling like two 14 year-olds being addressed by a naked Playboy centerfold.

 

"Err... Hi, um, I...I'm good. You good?" stammers Newt.

 

"Heh, yeah, I'm g...good," answers Jonny.

 

"Not you, dork! I meant Mylite!" Newt whispers.

 

Mylite winks at the two 'agents', then steals a glance at his large team of time travelers. They are all in a huddle, listening to Bee's plan. He quickly shifts his attention back to the agents. "So... Newt is it?"

 

"Yuh-huh!"

 

"Beautiful name. From the Sanskrit for salamander isn't it?"

 

Newt gurgles and nods his head, though he has no idea of his name's origin.

 

"Jonny means righteous, honest knight with manly hips!"

 

Mylite switches his attention to Jonny. "How unusual. It suits you."

 

Jonny, who also has no idea what his name means, smiles. "You're dreamy."

 

"Yes, I am," says Mylite, pouring out attraction beams until tiny beads of sweat form on his brow. The plastic from his slab intensifies the beams causing both Newt and Jonny to swoon. Must... keep... attracting...

 

Meanwhile…

 

Lighthouse stands tall (and I mean tall!) keeping an eye on Mylite and the agents. "Does everyone know what to do?"

 

There is a murmur of assent, with one "no".

 

"Who said 'no'?"

 

"Me!" comes a voice from the back. To the sounds of gasps, a familiar figure walks through a parting of the crowd. It is Kostume Kween!

 

"Gasp!"

 

"Kostume Kween!"

 

"But how...?"

 

"Where...?"

 

"Who's the looker?"

 

"Double gasp!"

 

"Quiet everyone!" whispers Bee loudly (or at least, as loudly as whispers can be).

 

"Kostume Kween -- how is this possible?" asks Lighthouse. "You're dead!"

 

"Don't know what you're talking about. When I flew in the time stream, I wasn't even sick." Kostume Kween, wearing his Supergirl uniform and looking quite handsome, approaches the members of the JBH. "So when you say 'dead', you mean died of old age, dead because everyone dies eventually dead, right?"

 

There is an embarrassed murmur and a few, "Sure, yeah, that's what he meant"'s heard in the crowd.

 

"Of course! Possessing all of Supergirl's powers, you can break the time barrier at will!" says Bee.

 

"I think most of us already figured that out, Bee," says Donut.

 

"Just trying to help the thicker members of our group."

 

"You mean the Marvel fans?"

 

"Yup."

 

Several Marvel zombies pick up torches and pitchforks, but because they're not in the time stream, no one cares.

 

"Listen, Kween, we can use you in our plan," says Bee.

 

"Cool! I came here to prevent a flood, but I'm sure at least a third of those people can swim. I'd rather hang out with all of you guys anyway. What do you want me to do?"

 

"It's simple. Bzzz bzz bzzz..."

 

"When you whisper, you sound like a bee, Bee!" says Kween.

 

"Thank you!" says Fruit Pie.

 

"Shut up!" says Ho Ho.

 

"Let me try this again. Here's the plan: Mylite is going to..."

 

Meanwhile…

 

"J. C. Penney. They were on sale," says Mylite.

 

Newt and Jonny whistle in awe, envisioning buying their own Mylite short shorts at the next opportunity.

 

Mylite steals another glance at the group and suddenly feels a chill go down his spine. He rubs his eyes, positive that he's seeing things. It can't be. He's dead. Yet...

 

"Kostume Kween...?" he whispers.

 

"What did you say?"

 

Mylite doesn't hear Newt, all his concentration is on the man he thought was lost forever. But there is no mistaking that Supergirl uniform with tufts of chest hair sticking out of the scooped neck, or the prominent Adam's apple, or the striking manly features beneath the blonde wig.

 

"It's no use. He's not listening to us. Perhaps we should turn around and see what he's looking at," says Jonny.

 

"Yes, turning around is a good idea," says Newt.

 

"Then it's agreed. We should turn around. Right now. Just turn our heads..."

 

Meanwhile…

 

"Faster, faster! Put your foot upon the gas!

If anyone sees us, out we will pass!"

 

"The lameness of your rhymes is increasing exponentially with the fusing of your bodies," says Bluto, obeying the 25 mile an hour speed limit and slowing whenever he sees anyone he knows. The humiliation of his friends is worth the torture of listening to their poetry.

 

"Your death will be a solace,

When you're killed by the police!"

 

"I hope you guys realize that although those words look like they might rhyme, they don't."

 

"Just drive, you hairy sow

Or we'll take a solemn vow

To kill you in your sleep

And leave your body parts in a heap!"

 

"And how are you going to manage that? You're all fused together. I'll bet you're going to have trouble walking, let alone commit murder and dismemberment."

 

"We'll find a way.

Now hurry, okay?"

 

Bluto slows the car. "Hey, Slaughter! Look what I've got!" Several members of a local motorcycle gang look at the fused, red lump of people in the back of the car and begin laughing.

 

"Pull over! Your blob can be the entertainment at our Big Bang appreciation party!"

 

Bluto turns to the frightened lump of friends and says, "Should we stop and party or do you want to go to the Emergency Room? More death threats means we party. Otherwise--"

 

"No threats! Just kidding!

To the ER we are heading!"

 

"Good." Bluto shouts to the gang, "Sorry, maybe later!"

 

Unfortunately, the leather-clad lads don't appear to appreciate the snub, and jump on their bikes in pursuit.

 

 

Elsewhere….

 

"Our heads are almost turned," says Jonny. The two fake agents are inches from seeing the scheming, plotting group of superhero travelers in the time stream when they hear a high-pitched scream. They whip their heads back to Mylite, who has the sense to make his scream more manly the second time.

 

"What is it, Mylite?" asks Newt.

 

"Ohh... nothing, I, uh, thought I saw a mouse."

 

"In the time stream? We don't have rodents in here. Unless Mighty Mouse is one of your crew," says Johnny, beginning the slow process of turning his head again.

 

"No! Not a mouse!" screams Mylite, gaining both men's attention once more. "I just... well..." He isn't sure what to say. What made him scream was something so horrifying that he felt more screams welling from within. Yet he knew that he couldn't let the agents know, or they might suspect the mission of the group. "Look, fellas, I have to go talk to my friends. Would you mind standing here facing away from us for a few minutes? I'll be back soon."

 

"Why should we face away?"

 

"So that you can... um... better visualize me and anticipate my return. If you actually watch me, your visualization will be compromised."

 

The agents, both hopelessly in love with the irresistible Mylite, agree. "Will do, honey. Do you mind if I call you honey?"

 

"Yes, I mind. Be right back."

 

Mylite hurries over to the group. His heart almost breaks with joy at the sight of Kostume Kween, but his horrible secret that makes him want to scream overrides any joyous reunion.

 

"Everyone be quiet! I have something to tell you!" he says.

 

Because the others are all silent when he says this, they mime locking their lips and throwing away a key, to make him feel better. No one wants to make the irresistible Mylite feel bad.

 

"What's wrong, Mylite?" whispers Bee.

 

"He knows we're here!" he says.

 

"Who knows?"

 

"The Archi-Moderator! He knows we're in the time stream!"

 

"Impossible," says Donut. "No one knows we're here except us."

 

"Hi, Mylite!" says Kostume Kween.

 

"Hey, Kween, you look great!" says Mylite.

 

"Thanks. It's a new wig. I decided to go for the sixties flip instead of the seventies long and straight look."

 

Bee snaps his fingers in front of Mylite's slab to get his attention. "Catch up later! Why do you think the Archi-Moderator knows we're here?"

 

"Look at my -- good Lord, I can barely say it."

 

"What???" asks Lighthouse.

 

"MY SHORTS!" Mylite closes his eyes, swallows loudly, then outstretches his arms so that everyone can have a good look.

 

"Told you he wasn't Jewish," says Emoticon. Alias hands him $20.

 

Donut averts his eyes. "They're, um, very nice. Do they call that khaki or tan?"

 

"Tan. Khaki is green," says Raspberry Toaster Pastry.

 

"Not the color! Look at them! They've been MODERATED! They used to be the perfect size, but now they're hanging down almost to mid-thigh!"

 

"Do you know what this means?" says Bee. Everyone shrugs.

 

"I hate pop quizzes," says Snowball.

 

"Shut up, foolio," says Twinkie, "Bee will tell us the answer in a second.

 

"It means the Archi-Moderator knows we're in the time stream!" says Mylite.

 

"No, it means the Archi-Moderator knows we're in the time stream," says Bee.

 

There is a gasp at Bee's announcement.

 

"I don't know, Bee. I think Mylite might be right on this one," says Kostume Kween.

 

"No, I'm certain I'm right," says Bee.

 

"Who am I, ablue? Didn't anyone hear me say it first?" asks Mylite.

 

"It doesn't matter who said what first, Mylite. What matters is that I'm right," says Bee. "And that means we have to step up the time table. There'll be no picnic lunch, no sack races, and no amateur talent show prior to putting the plan in action."

 

There is a groan of disappointment.

 

"There goes my 'An Hour With Helen Reddy' one man show", says Uranus.

 

"And you can forget the German potato salad I slaved over. It'll be ruined," says The Brick.

 

"Oh man, I love your potato salad!" says Runt. No one hears him.

 

"Uh, Mylite? If you're here, who's distracting the goons?" asks Mercury.

 

Mylite glances at the agents and sees that once again they are slowly turning their heads. Horrified, he realizes that the heady mix of Kostume Kween's return and his own short-shorts modification has had a debilitating effect on his attracting rays. "I better get back. Hurry! Don't delay any futher! We have to get to the beginning of time!"

 

"This is what we're going to do," says Bee. "We're going to hurry. No more delays. We really need to get to the beginning of time."

 

"I just said that!"

 

"But I used slightly different words, and I felt mine had more impact."

 

Everyone nods.

 

"Bee's right."

 

"I'm with Bee."

 

His attraction rays at empty, Mylite makes an heroic attempt to rejuice. With all the power within, he pours out attraction. His face mashes in the strained expression of someone who has eaten nothing but cheese for 14 days straight and vows to stay on the can until something comes out.

 

"Mylite is cute."

 

"What he said is better."

 

"Is Bee even here? All I hear is Mylite."

 

Satisfied, Mylite races back to the agents with his clumsy yet strangely adorable slabbed gait.

 

Later…

 

Mylite is at the end of his reserves, and is now attractive only to his mother and professional ice skaters. Exhausted beyond measure, his slab topples, turning him from a 9.8 to a 5.5 on impact. He passes out.

 

The spell on Newt and Jonny is instantly broken.

 

"What did we see in him? Sure, he's fine, but--"

 

"Fine minus."

 

"No way! There was nothing minus about him," says Jonny. "That would be so negative! This is Mylite we're talking about here."

 

"Damn that missing nomenclature. Let's figure this out. He was very good at what he did and was, as you said, fine-looking. Maybe he was a VG/F?" Newt scratches his head, staring at the oversized number without an accompanying alpha.

 

"What are we saying? Neither of us is attracted to him anymore, right? So who cares what his grade is. 5.5 must be F-."

 

"I guess." Pause. "Still... those shorts do look really good on him."

 

"They do! They're so-- hold me closer tiny dancer, what's this? The shorts! They've been moderated!!"

 

"Great clocks in heaven!"

 

"Quick, alert the home office!"

 

"I'm on it," says Newt.

 

Meanwhile…

 

"Great clocks in heaven!"

 

"What is it, Day Guy?" asks Decade Guy

 

"I felt a pulse in the time stream!"

 

"A pulse? What sort of pulse?"

 

"A moderating pulse!"

 

"Great clocks in heaven..." whispers Century Guy.

 

"What's this about a pulse?" asks Millennium Guy.

 

"I felt it. In the time stream. A pulse of a moderating nature." Sweat breaks out on Day guy's brow at having to address Millennium Guy directly.

 

"A moderating pulse? You're sure?"

 

"Yes."

 

"How sure? Kinda sure, fairly sure, or pretty darn sure?"

 

"Pretty darn sure, sir."

 

"Pretty darn sure," mumbles Millennium Guy. "That's pretty darn high on the sureness scale. You're sure?"

 

"I'm sure that I'm pretty darn sure."

 

"Kinda sure, fairly sure, or pretty darn sure that you're pretty darn su--"

 

Thankfully, Second Guy buzzed into the room, stopping the repetitive conversation before it could take up four more pages of mostly cut and paste. "Sirs! I have a message from Week Guy! He says they've intercepted a moderating ray from outside the Time Stream, and it's affecting the cutest superhero!"

 

"Is he sure?" asks Millennium Guy.

 

"Let's just assume he is," says Century Guy. "Sir."

 

"There's another one! It missed the superheroes and... and... oh no! Week Guy was hit!" Day Guy spins several dials and pushes randomly on buttons. His monitor changes hue several times, but is otherwise unaffected.

 

"Why is he green?" asks Year Guy.

 

"Maybe that's the moderation," says Hour Guy.

 

"No, that's the monitor. We need a new one," says Day Guy, surreptitiously returning the hue settings to normal. "The moderation -- it's far too hideous to discuss!"

 

"Is the moderation kinda hideous, fairly hideous, or pretty darn hideous?" asks Millennium Guy.

 

"Pretty darn hideous, sir!"

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Wait! There's a message coming through! And it's from a very surprising source..."

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Wasn't that FBI guy a blond before? Now he's a redhead. And I sure don't remember him having dreds. Strange." Venus stars intently at the agent, who is staggering under the weight of waist-length dredlocks.

 

"I don't notice guy's hair," says Susie Q. "I'm all man. Totally male. Never even looked at another guy with a thought about fashion."

 

"What, just noticing hair makes me gay or something? He had short blond hair and now he has waist-length red dredlocks! That doesn't seem odd to you?"

 

"Okay, a little odd. But I'm not noticing it, okay?"

 

Venus inches away from Susie Q and heads toward the center of the group. They're all in deep discussion.

 

"Well, Mylite's out of it," says Damp Dude. "I guess it's up to me to distract those guys. Damn me for being such a pretty man."

 

"Dude, really, not your thing," says Go Go.

 

"But it's mine," says Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "I'll go."

 

"Thank you, RTP. We appreciate the sacrifice," says Donut.

 

"Anything for the JBH."

 

"And the rest of us -- duh!" says Emoticon.

 

"Whatever."

 

Just then an invisible wave blasts the center of the group! It wreaks havoc among the heroes closest to it -- moderating costumes, powers, hairstyles, and collecting preferences. Chaos breaks out among the gathered heroes as they are trapped in the unrelenting wave of moderation. The time stream holds them in place like bugs in a roach motel. There is nowhere to run. The distant sound of maniacal laughter echoes off the gooey walls as each man prepares to meet his maker.

 

And even as they are trampled by the unrelenting moderating pressure, they are suddenly surrounded by The Time Masters.

 

"The Archi-Moderator will be very pleased to see what we've captured today," says Millennium Guy. "There'll no be no trip to the beginning of time for you wannabe heroes."

 

"How...?" gasps Bee as his yellow and black stripes fade away, to be replaced by the nutty brown of a dirt wasp. "How... did you... know?"

 

"One of your own told us."

 

"We have... a mole? A snitch? A ratfink dirty-butted stoolie?"

 

"Who?" comes the whispers of many lips.

 

"Who?" they ask, no longer trusting the faces they've come to know.

 

"[!@#%^&^]!" says Bee. "That's a rotten thing to do. I want to know who it is."

 

"Would you say it was kinda rotten, fairly rotten, or pretty darn rotten?"

 

Meanwhile…

 

Slaughter, Demon and Tarantula lead their biker gang in pursuit of the car with the rhyming red blob in it. Slaughter, who was born Eric Won Toothray, is concentrating hard -- using his mind-reading ability to discern whatever he can about the blob. His right-hand man, Demon (who was born with the ironically unbiker-like name of Percy Proverbs), remains silent. Demon will wait for his cue to unleash his unholy fire pellets when the time comes. Behind the two lead bikers rides Tarantula -- an ornery, hairy dude with a webbed head tattoo and a paralyzing bite. In close combat, there was no one more lethal.

 

"They used to be a bunch of guys, but they swam in the Pool of Infinite Mystery and this is what happened," says Slaughter.

 

"Why would they do that?" asks Demon.

 

"They wanted super powers. Not everyone is born with them, like us."

 

"Still -- they must have about 3 active brain cells between the lot of them to be so idiotic."

 

"I fink we shuh kiw'em," says Tarantula. His oversized fangs made him difficult to understand, but no one dared to make fun of his speech impediment once they knew him.

 

"Kill them? Why?" asks Slaughter. He loves pretending that decisions are made with input from others, when in reality he's already decided to kill the blob simply because it is ugly and rhymes poorly. Slaughter had been an English Major at BoT U: Beginning of Time University.

 

"S'weird," says Tarantula.

 

"Yes, it's important to kill what we don't understand. I agree, Tran. Let's kill the blob."

 

"Now? Can we kill it now?" asks Demon, heating a fireball in his hand.

 

"Not yet. Let's add to the dramatic tension by allowing them to almost escape. Besides, we'll have to devise an elaborate death trap and explain our entire plan to them before actually killing them. Those are the rules," says Slaughter. He pauses a moment then says, "No, Tran, we used 'suspended over acid in a net' last time. We must be original."

 

"Mine readah. Phunny," mumbles Tran, chuckling.

 

"I do what I can to keep you lads amused." Slaughter signals a left turn and pulls away from the car he was chasing when he sees them nearing the hospital. "They're headed to Chronos General. We'll set our death trap there. C'mon, we'll head to the haunted, abandoned wing." They take off.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"We lost them!" says Bluto.

 

"We still have fear

That they are near."

 

"We'll be safe at Chronos. Don't worry about a thing. There's no place for them to set up an elaborate death trap there. You'll be separated and skin color in no time."

 

"You think the docs

Can clean our clocks,

And mend our bods?

What are they, gods?"

 

"There's probably a pill or something. Okay, here we are. Everybody out."

 

The blob oozes out of the car, unable to walk or move. Basically, oozing is its maximum range of motion. Bluto grabs a wheelchair, but the blob is too large. He runs into the hospital and soon he returns with four orderlies and two stretchers. They put the stretchers together, heave the blob onto them and roll them into the hospital.

 

"So, what seems to be the problem?" says Doctor Bob, looking at "blobism" written in the section for 'reason you are here'.

 

"Hello, Dr. Bob,

We're a big, red blob."

 

He glances up, sees the blob and looks back at the chart. "So you are. Did you eat any strange foods? Take any drugs or alcohol? Visit a mutating era in the future?"

 

"No, Doc, they swam in the Pool of Infinite Mystery," says Bluto.

 

"Really? Well, I guess we'll have to rename it 'The Pool of Infinite Misery' because mystery solved! It turns people into blobs."

 

"We're not here to be amused,

We're here because we're fused."

 

"And red. Don't forget your gauche coloring. I need to consult with a colleague. Oh, nurse!"

 

Nurse Coohs looks in the door, sees the blob and almost loses his lunch. "Yes, doctor?" he lisps.

 

"Get Dr. Bunner for me. He is on duty, is he not?"

 

"Yes, Doctor. Right away." The nurse minces off to find Dr. Bunner.

 

Dr. Bunner bustles in and pronounces in stentorian tones, "You have a case! We'll sue the Pool, the city, the clocks, and the Supreme Commander."

 

"Psst -- You're a 'Dr.' not an 'Atty'," whispers Dr. Bob.

 

"Yes, of course. You're incurable. You should consider suing a bunch of people."

 

"That's it? No exam?

We know what we am

We need a cure

Not a lawyer lure.

Help us Bunner

There's nothing funner

Than curing a disease

With infinite ease."

 

"Very true. Okay, take four aspirin with green tea, shoot some morphine, then see me in two weeks."

 

"Is that going to help?" asks Bluto.

 

"Yes, they'll be dead long before I have to see them again. Helps me a great deal."

 

"Fair enough. Let's go, blob!"

 

As the orderlies wheel the blob toward the exit, they notice a sign that says BLOB DETOUR. An arrow points to the haunted, abandoned wing of the hospital. "You can take it from here," says one of the orderlies, knowing that the abandoned wing was a favorite spot for death traps.

 

"Okee doke!" says Bluto, whistling as he pushes the blob through the cobwebbed doors.

 

Meanwhile…

 

"Who's Nick?" asks Demon.

 

"What?" Slaughter is tiring of crouching behind the heart meter across from his crocodile-filled death pit.

 

"I just read the title. It says 'In the Time of Nick' and I'm wondering who Nick is," says Demon.

 

"Nobody reads the titles. They're meaningless. Concentrate on your current death trap duties and just ignore the typist, okay?"

 

"Okay. I was just wondering. I mean, I thought we could kill Nick while we were waiting."

 

"Kiw Nick," chortled Tarantula. He loved killing, so it sounded like a great idea to him.

 

"There's no Nick! Just shut up! I think I hear them oozing this way."

 

Meanwhile …

 

The blob is oozing along the corridor with Bluto leading the way.

 

"I don't see an exit," says Bluto. "It's strange that we were routed this way since there was a clearly lit exit just opposite the Blob Detour sign."

 

"That sign was written in Crayola.

Perhaps the staff was on the payola

Of the Big Banger Gang.

This could be a trap. Dang."

 

"Your rhymes are getting worse. I wonder if that's a bad sign?"

 

"You want a bad sign?

Then try this line:

We're fused and red

And very nearly dead!"

 

"Sshh! I think I hear something. I'll go investigate." Bluto stealthily walks toward a large pit carved into the middle of the floor. He looks down and sees a gaggle of crodiles floating in black water. Or is it a herd? A flock? A pride? A murder? A gr--

 

"What do you see?

An exit for me?"

 

"No, it's just a large pit with crocodiles in it. Wanna see?"

 

The blob oozes to the edge of the pit and looks down. Suddenly, the flooring gives way under the blob's weight, and they all crash into the pit. They land with a huge splash and wait for the jaws of death to crush their bones and rip their flesh. But nothing happens.

 

"What the-- These are blow-up plastic crocs! They're not real!" says Bluto joyously.

 

Meanwhile ….

 

"Just how stupid are these people?" asks Slaughter in a rage.

 

"Whodda thunk it?" says Demon.

 

"Look, if you saw a large death trap pit full of crocodiles, would you a) fall into said pit or b) walk around it so as to avoid the obvious death and dismemberment therein?"

 

"Uh... dere anodder choice?" asks Tran.

 

"No! Those are your two choices! Do you die or do you avoid death by WALKING AROUND THE TRAP AND THEREBY FALLING INTO THE REAL DEATH TRAP WE PLACED ON THE EDGE OF THE TRAP???"

 

"I guess I'd choose the fake trap over the real trap," says Demon.

 

"Me, too," says Tran.

 

"No! You don't KNOW it's a fake trap! It looks real, and you don't know there's a real trap next to it so you think the fake trap is the real trap."

 

"But it's fake." Pause. "I don't get it," says Demon. Tran nods in agreement with Demon.

 

"Okay, look -- we can salvage this. Demon, release the killer bees. Tran, transfer the piranhas from the real trap into the fake trap. I'll herd the cobras that way as well. We can still do this."

 

Hurrying to obey, Tran jumps into the pool of piranhas that was concealed under a fake floor next to the fake death trap. The fish immediately begin biting him. He bites back. The water churns like a washing machine on a non-delicate cycle, with fish blood mingling with Tran blood as the two deadly species fight it out.

 

Demon pulls out the killer bee hive and opens the lid. Instantly he is surrounded by a swarm of killer bees. He begins firing flame pellets in all directions. Very few bees are affected.

 

Slaughter, seeing the trouble his gang is in, throws the bag of cobras into the fake pit without removing the snakes, then heads out of the haunted, abandoned wing. It is, he realizes, a really sucky day to be a villain.

 

Meanwhile ….

 

Inside the fake pit, Bluto picks up the bag of cobras, realizes that he doesn't like the way it keeps slithering, and dunks it under water. The bag soon stops slithering.

 

"I guess I'll go find a crane or something to lift you guys out."

 

"Wait! We have a plan

Just give us a hand

Pile the crocs into a ladder

We'll ooze on our bellies, like an adder

Up we'll go 'til we reach the top

And then we can go find a cop."

 

"Works for me. Should we help the guy in the piranha tank or the guy wearing a beard of bees?"

 

"Leave them to their fun

We can't save everyone."

 

"Yeah, you guys would've made great superheroes if you had just gotten powers instead of turning into a blob. Oh well, let's go. Hand me that croc."

 

 

Elsewhere…

 

"Solar Powers! Gather around," says Bee in his most authoritative tone.

 

Quickly, the nine members of the Solar Powers orbit Bee. "What's up?" asks Jupiter.

 

"We're going to make a diversion. When all the attention is on us, you guys should rush the agents with powers blasting. That should knock them out long enough for us to continue to the beginning of time.

 

"Wow, that's an actual plan! Much better than Mylite's idea to distract them with a River Dance."

 

"Yes, we felt it should be more superhero-y and less Michael Flatley."

 

Bee approaches the Hostess Hoard and tells them that if the Solar Powers fail, it's up to them to overcome the agents. He tells the same thing to the N'Superables, the Hero Squadron, the Bad Brigade and everyone else. When everyone knows what to do, Lighthouse pretends to faint.

 

"Oh my God! Come quick! Something is wrong with House!" shouts Donut.

 

Mylite nods permission to the agents, and releases their loving gazes. Quickly, they run to find out what happened to House.

 

"Is he sick?" asks Jonny.

 

"I don't know. He just passed out! We need to get him to a doctor!"

 

"There's a hospital at the beginning of time. That's the closest one. But you guys aren't allowed to go there."

 

"He's dying, man! You have to do something."

 

Jonny and Newt separate themselves from the group and confer on what to do. A death in the time stream was unheard of, and could shift the balance of time and anti-time.

 

"We've got to contact HQ and find out what to do."

 

"I think we should let them all through without a fight so that they can take him to Chronos General at the beginning of time. We can't take the risk of his dying in the time stream."

 

"You're probably right, Month Guy," says Newt. "Okay, let's tell them."

 

At that moment they hear a thunderous battle cry. The nine members of the Solar Powers rush toward the two men, planetary powers blasting. An enormous cloud of ever-expanding gas envelops them, then they are pelted by flame, ice, dirt, water, energy rings, and heat.

 

Both men duck.

 

The blast bypasses them and punches a hole in the time stream, sucking all nine members of the Solar Powers through. The hole heals itself as soon as the last man has disappeared.

 

"We are in for a lot of paperwork," says Jonny, staring at the now-healed time stream.

 

"Excuse me," says House, forgetting to play sick. "Where did they go?"

 

Jonny walks over to the wall, takes out a jeweler's loop, and presses it against the miasmic churning energy that makes up the time stream. "Close as I can guess -- they're in the Jurassic. Possibly one of those other 'asic' eras. I was never all that good on dinosaur stuff."

 

"Dinosaurs? They're in the age of the dinosaurs?" whispers Mylite.

 

"Yeah. So, Mylite, you were telling us about your sweet, sweet DCs. Did you ever get that 9.6?"

 

"Well..." Mylite glances at the place where the Solar Powers fell through, then looks back at the agents. He shrugs and leads the two men away. "Funny story, actually. I saw the 100 pager on ebay, but I was afraid there might be some shilling, so I--"

 

"What do we do now?" asks Ding Dong.

 

"Plan Bee," says Bee, laughing at his own joke. No one else laughs. "You never get my humor."

 

"What is Plan B?" asks Squatter.

 

Donut pretends to faint.

 

"Oh my God! Come quick! Something is wrong with Donut!" shouts House.

 

Meanwhile….

 

The Solar Powers are standing in the middle of a tropical jungle in heavy, torrential rain. Insects as large as VWs fly past and a herd of Dyslocosaurus stand in a lake, eating leaves off the over-hanging trees on shore. In the distance, a Pterandon flies overhead.

 

"We're in freaking Jurassic Park!" says Saturn.

 

"Not the Jurassic. The Cretateous, somewhere in Wyoming," says Earth.

 

"Since when do you know so much about dinosaurs?" asks Pluto.

 

"I'm Earth. They're my creatures." Everyone gives him a look. "The internet."

 

"Okay, planets, settle down. We have to come up with a plan. We're trapped in the Cretateous with a billion hungry dinosaurs. We need to get to the beginning of time."

 

"And how exactly are we going to do that?" asks Neptune.

 

"Somewhere, there has to be a portal."

 

"Yes! There's always a portal!!" Venus says excitedly.

 

"What would a portal look like?" asks Mercury, having had his fill of them on the Archi-Moderator's ship. "In these parts, I mean."

 

"Swirly, colorful, round, portal-like," says Jupiter convincingly.

 

"Sounds about right," says Mars.

 

"Okay! Start looking."

 

"Jupe, I think we should avoid looking to our right," says Uranus.

 

"Why is that?"

 

"Because that T Rex looks hungry."

 

As one, they all turn to the right only to find the huge, gaping, tooth-filled jaws of a Tyrannasaurus Rex.

 

"That nails it. Definitely the Cretateous!" says Earth, smugly.

 

The T Rex roars, Earth defecates in his pants, and as one, the Solar Powers run.

 

Meanwhile…

 

"Oh-oh," says Jonny. "Although that first sick guy appears to have recovered, now there's another sick guy! We'd better stick to our plan of letting everyone go through to the beginning of time."

 

"I agree. Let's go tell them."

 

As the agents approach, the Hostess Hoard rush at them in a cloud of goo. Immediately, everyone gets bogged down.

 

"Tunnel underneath!" shouts Twinkie.

 

As one, they dive to the bottom of the goo, ready to tunnel their way through . Unfortunately, the skin of the time stream gives way and they are hurled through a large hole. The hole heals itself behind them as soon as all of the Hoard members are through it.

 

"What's happening?" asks Donut, still pretending to be ill, but doing a very poor job of it.

 

"The Hostess Hoard rushed the agents, and got stuck in their own goo."

 

"Get Neptune to wash it away with his water powers.

 

"Neptune is gone. Went through the hole, remember?"

 

"Right. Anyone else with water-based powers?"

 

"Damp Dude! Get over here."

 

Damp Dude joins the members of the JBH. "What's up?"

 

"Use your aqua powers to wash away that goo, please."

 

"I, um, swim and stuff. I don't have water jets or anything."

 

"Ooookay. If we need any swimming we'll let you know."

 

Damp Dude walks away, wishing there was at least one body of water in the story.

 

"We need this cleaned up. Who has powers that can help us clean up the mess?" says Bee.

 

"I can burn it up!" volunteers Pyro.

 

"Me too!" says Flame War.

 

"That would probably kill the Hoard in the process. We need non-lethal powers."

 

"Allow me!" says Emoticon. He turns into a smiley with a fire hose and sprays away the goo. The Hoard is nowhere to be seen.

 

"Uh-oh. That's not good," says Donut.

 

"I'm thinking 'fell through a hole in the time stream'. What do you think?"

 

"Good guess." He glances up and sees the agents heading their way. "Agents are still here. Unleash the Hero Squadron!"

 

Meanwhile…

 

"Where are we?" asks Ho Ho.

 

"Judging by the terrain, flora and fauna, I'd say we're in the ice age," says Cupcake.

 

"How do you know that? The internet?"

 

"Discovery Channel. Look, you can see a glacier in the distance. And those specks are woolly mammoths. And those slope-browed guys pointing spears at us are Neanderthals."

 

"Oh geez," says Ding Dong.

 

"Aloha! We come in peace! Take us to your leader," says Twinkie, his hands up. He smiles broadly to show his friendly nature, but the Neanderthals grunt and raise their spears.

 

"Aloha? We're not in frickin' Hawaii!" says Susie Q.

 

"Ungh, hukka drik doo," says Snowball.

 

"What the hell is that?" asks Fruit Pie.

 

"Just trying to speak their language."

 

"You don't know their language! You could've just said 'I am tastiest with a side of thistles' for all you know!"

 

"Neanderthals weren't cannibals," says Cupcake. "At least, not on the show I saw."

 

"Are you talking about the one where they traced that small band of Neanderthals -- the one where the leader got killed, and the chick got pregnant? Or are you thinking of the NOVA episode on PBS?" asks Snowball.

 

"The 2 hour Discovery Channel show. I never watch PBS because I feel too guilty about watching for free."

 

"So donate a couple of bucks, ya tightwad."

 

"Not guilty enough to actually give money."

 

"Would you insufficiently_thoughtful_persons just shut up!" shouts Twinkie. "We are in a major crisis here!"

 

"As is your local PBS station if no one pledges," says Snowball.

 

"Grak!" says one of the Neanderthals.

 

"Grak to you, too!" answers Snowball.

 

"Shut up!" shouts the rest of the Hoard.

 

"Sha ah?" says the Neanderthals, shocked.

 

The other Neanderthal nods angrily. They both run toward the Hoard screaming, swords raised.

 

"Goo!" shouts Twinkie. But before the Hoard can react with a wall of goo, the Neanderthals stop, surprised expressions on their faces.

 

"Goo?" says Neanderthal #1.

 

"Goo..." says #2.

 

"Goo!" they say in unison, smiling and shouldering their spears.

 

"Goo," says Twinkie, smiling in return.

 

"I wonder who writes their dialogue?" whispers Fruit Pie.

 

"Shut up, Fruit Pie," whispers Twinkie.

 

"Sha ah!" screams #1, raising his weapon again.

 

"Goo! Googoogoogoogoogoogoogoo!" responds Twinkie.

 

Although not quite sure, #1 relaxes a bit. "Okay," he says.

 

"Wow, The Discovery Channel didn't mention that 'okay' has been around this long. Wonder if it means the same thing in Neanderthal as it means in English?"

 

"Better yet -- I wonder what 'goo' means..." mumbles Ho Ho.

 

Meanwhile

 

"Well, we've lost the Hero Squadron," says House.

 

"And the N'Superables," adds Raspberry Toaster Pastry.

 

"Perhaps we should stop rushing the agents with powers blazing?" says Bee.

 

"So what should we do?" asks Donut.

 

"I'm not sure. I'm just not as sold on the rushing with powers things as I was before we lost the bulk of our force."

 

"Is there a Plan C?" House looks around, but everyone diverts his face. "Anyone? No one? Plan D? E? How about one doomed to fail? At least it would be something."

 

"Well... one of you could pretend to be sick, and..."

 

 

Elsewhere…

 

"Where the hell are we?" asks Rerun.

 

The N'Superables are standing on a littered sidewalk next to a newsstand in the middle of a large city. Gigantic, bulky cars honk and mingle in traffic, while well-dressed men and women pass them by with only a glance of curiosity.

 

"Looks like Chicago," says Emoticon.

 

While the others search the skyline for familiar buildings, Alias walks to the newsstand and picks up a paper. "1938. We're in the Great Depression."

 

"No one looks depressed," says Mylite. "Don't know why I always thought they would."

 

"I think we lucked out," says Rerun. "If we'd landed here in 1929 we probably would've stumbled into the St. Valentine's Day massacre, knowing our luck."

 

"It doesn't feel like February," says Mylite. "More like April or May."

 

"Good point. Nice spring day in the windy city. Man, I bet stuff is really cheap in 1938. Anyone have any money?"

 

They all check their pockets. "I have a VISA card," says Emoticon.

 

"Just my ATM card," says Alias.

 

"Same here," says Mylite.

 

"We're screwed."

 

"We shouldn't bring anything out of this time period," says Alias. "It could upset the space-time continuum. Be very careful about everything you do, say or touch, because we have no idea what might impact the future."

 

"You're thinking of that Star Trek episode where Capt. Kirk has to let Joan Collins die, aren't you?"

 

"That's right, Mylite. If we've learned nothing from television, movies and comic books, we've learned never to mess with the past."

 

"So what do we do?"

 

"We need to find a portal, so that we can get back into the time stream."

 

"There's a public library just down the street. We could do some research -- see if there's a record of someplace with strange happenings and disturbances like round holes that are swirly," says Emoticon.

 

"Excellent plan. Remember -- do not do anything to upset the space-time continuum!"

 

"Yeah, yeah, lay off the lectures, Alias. Let's go."

 

The owner of the newsstand, watches them leave, scratching his head.

 

"Who're the oddballs?" asks a customer.

 

"Dunno. They sure were dressed weird, though. Did you see the shorts on that plastic guy?"

 

"Er... yeah, the shorts. Not the fact that he was encased in plastic, or that one of them had some sort of moving picture in his stomach, or the other was a large, yellow smiling face. It was the short pants that you found odd."

 

"It's too cold for shorts." Joe turned back to opening the boxes of new magazines. "Speaking of weird, seems to be a day for it. The guy on this magazine wears his underwear on the outside!"

 

The customer glances at the box full of pristine copies of Action Comics #1, fresh off the press. "What's the world coming to? It's very depressing."

 

"I know. Depressing times. So, you want one of these?" he asks, picking up the comic with fingers covered in transferred newsprint. He cracks it open, rolling the cover to the back to show the splash page.

 

"No, I'm visiting some friends. Can't fit another thing in my suitcase."

 

"Where you from?"

 

"Denver."

 

"Well, if you change your mind, or need something to read on the train, I have a bunch of them, Mr., er..."

 

"Church. Edgar Church. And I might change my mind. I'm an artist and the drawings look crude but interesting."

 

"Have a good time in Chicago, Mr. Church. And steer clear of the weirdos!"

 

"Will do."

 

Not the end......

 

 

[Joanna]

Issue 11, Part 11: What do You know, Joe?

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Sgt. Rocky (Awe4one) Super strength

Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers

Magic Tape (Scottish) stickiness

Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed

Zilla (Zillatoy) Ninja dinosaur

Ape (CD4ever) Shape shifter

Chrome Dome (Chromium) power over metal

 

Issue 11, Part 11: What do You know, Joe?

 

"Get down! Incoming!!" Sgt. Rocky pulls at Zilla's head, trying to get the enormous dinosaur to duck behind the walls of the foxhole. A grenade explodes nearby showering them with dirt. "Anyone hit?"

 

"We're okay," say Magic Tape and Damp Dude.

 

"I repelled all the fragments, Sarge!" says Chrome Dome.

 

"Good work, Dome. Keep up the negative charge so that no stray bullets find any of our men. Everybody -- conference!"

 

The men crawl over to Rocky's position, their faces dirtied, their fancy costumes in tatters.

 

"We need to find a portal, don't we, Sarge?" says Ape. The others nod agreement.

 

"Are you kidding? We're in the middle World War freaking II -- the big one! And you want to give that up?" Rocky tilts his helmet so that he appears just a tad more war-weary. "We're living a dream, boys!"

 

"Maybe your dream, but not mine," says Damp Dude. "I'm Navy, remember? I should be out scouting U-boats or something."

 

"We need you here, boy. We need everyone if we're going to burn those Nazis and send Hitler to an early grave! Or do you want to speak German for the rest of your life?"

 

"Yeah... uh, Sarge? That speech only works if you don't know that we won this war," says Ape.

 

"It's a little difficult getting all worked up about it," says Go Go. "And explain again why I can't just run at superspeed to the German line, grab all their guns and stop this whole 'we're under attack' scenario?"

 

"It wouldn't be fair."

 

"But Dome deflecting all their bullets is?"

 

"Purely a defensive move. Different thing entirely. Now, listen up. Somehow, we have to move in against the German line and disarm them. Anyone have any ideas?" Rocky searches the eyes of his men, hoping to find a hero willing to risk certain death.

 

"I have one," says Go Go. "Why don't I run at superspeed to the German line and grab all their guns."

 

"Are you willing to make that sacrifice? It's suicide!"

 

"Not really. When I run that fast, no one can see me. And I can see bullets like they were sent snail mail. It's not a problem."

 

"I can't allow it. You'd surely die. Anyone else have an idea?"

 

Rocky feels a tap on his shoulder. He looks up to see Go Go carrying dozens of German firearms. "Here. The Germans are all tied up to that apple tree over there. Now can we look for a portal?"

 

"Damn those Solar Powers jerks," says Zilla. "Why couldn't we have been sent to the Cretaceous? WWII is no place for a dinosaur. I could've kicked but in the freaking Cretaceous, but noooo. We have to live out Rocky's fantasy."

 

"I was hoping for Noah's Ark," says Damp Dude. "I could've rocked in a huge flood."

 

"It really doesn’t matter to me," says Ape. "Shape shifters fit in anywhere."

 

"Shut up!" Rocky glares at his men. "There's a bridge down yonder. Our orders are to blow it up. That'll stop the enemy supply line."

 

"Orders? From who?" asks Magic Tape.

 

"Whom," says Ape.

 

Suddenly, they hear a large explosion. The bridge in the distance crumbles into dust. Go Go suddenly appears, wiping his hands. "Done. Now can we search for a portal? By the way, I've already looked around here, it's not in France. We may have to go somewhere else."

 

"I vote for Belgium!" says Chrome Dome. "I speak the language and can fit in like a native."

 

"Fine," says Rocky, defeated. "We'll go to Belgium. But dammit, we're gonna crawl the whole way."

 

"Scratch Belgium," says Go Go, suddenly reappearing again. "Just looked. It's not there. Anyone for Italy?"

 

"Merde," says Dome. "I mean -- gosh darn it."

 

"I'm bored. Let's find another battle," says Zilla.

 

"Yeah, well, I sorta disabled most of the Germans in this area," admits Go Go sheepishly. "I could go back and untie a bunch of them."

 

"Great!" says Rocky. "Or better yet -- maybe the portal is in Germany! Maybe it's in Hitler's bunker! Let's go!"

 

Magic Tape jumps backward against Zilla's side and sticks. He grabs one of the confiscated German weapons and shouts, "I call shotgun!"

 

"Damn Tape always does that. And I always end up on the freaking tail," mumbles Damp Dude, grabbing onto a spikey plate on Zilla's tail.

 

The rest of the men take their places. "Hyah!" shouts Rocky, straddling Zilla's head.

 

"Bet this would never have happened in the Cretaceous," grumbles Zilla.

 

Against the backdrop of smoke and war-torn France, the Hero Squadron begins the trek to Nazi Germany.

 

To be Continued...

 

 

 

[PovertyRow]

I started looking through the Crisis posts and couldn't recall what part I had ended with...therefore for the newbies as well as the folks that's been reading and enjoying Joanna's on-going saga of murder, mayhem and very short shorts, I thought I'd collect the posts in order...read and enjoy! PS: the first few issues are in this post and the rest follow....

 

[WEBHEAD]

Thanks for putting this is a much "usatoday" version of the crisis..

 

 

WEBHEAD

[WEBHEAD]

*****bump**** for good luck

[Joanna]

Issue 11, Part 12: Howdy, Pardner, I'm Terrified

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power

Where'd He Go (Clobberintime) invisibility

Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector) makes things crash

Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl) mind control

 

 

Issue 11, Part 12: Howdy, Pardner, I'm Terrified

 

Clapboard storefronts creak in the swirling breeze that pushes a tumbleweed across the dirt street like a child pushing a hoola hoop. Horses with gritty saddles line the street, patiently waiting for their riders' return. 3 Men with six-guns at each hip, spurs on their boots, and a star on their chests stroll the plank sidewalk, tipping their hats to a woman who flounces past in a full-skirted hurry. There is a buzz of excitement that even strangers from the future can feel.

 

"I think we're in the old west," says Where'd He Go.

 

"I dunno -- cowboys, horses, a school marm, a saloon, some lawmen, a tumbleweed -- ya think??" says Flame War.

 

"I think I see saguaros in that area past town. We might be in Arizona," says The Brick.

 

"The question isn't where are we -- it's why are we here? Last thing I remember is charging at the agents in the time stream. One second I'm flaming on and the next -- poof! I'm in the old west. This just doesn't happen!"

 

"Perhaps it does when you're in the time stream! Ever think of that? Huh?" The Brick is a little tired of the constant flaming from Flame War.

 

"Do we get to dress up like cowboys?" asks WheG.

 

"I don't intend to be here long enough," says Flame War. "Obviously, we need to search for a portal. Besides, we don't have any money that would work in the 1800s. It's not like we're coinees or something."

 

"No problem," says WheG. "What size do you wear?"

 

"Wachoo talking about, WheG?"

 

"I'm the invisible man, remember? And when I turn invisible, every non-living thing I touch also turns invisible. That's why you don't see empty clothes walking around. So I figure I can slip into that General Store, nab us some cool duds and voila -- we're cowboys!"

 

"It would help us to blend in."

 

"Oh yes, great plan!" says Brick. "No one will look at a large brick of butter wearing Levis and a cowboy hat as odd! We'll slip right under their radar."

 

"Well, WheG and I don't look like freaks. It'll work for the two of us. Go get the clothes, WheG. And guns, too."

 

"I want guns!" says Brick. "And a hat. And spurs. And chaps. Oh, go get me the whole thing. I hope they have a big and square section in the store."

 

"I'll do my best." He disappears.

 

"I hope he doesn't blow it," mumbles Flame War.

 

"He's not the brightest bulb in the Sylvania 4 pack."

 

"I'm still right here, you jerks," says WheG.

 

Flame War reddens, and Bricks melts a little. "We were just kidding."

 

"Yeah, sure you were. Be right back."

 

Flame War and The Brick silently wait for 3 or 4 minutes without speaking.

 

"Think he's gone?" asks Brick.

 

"Shhh," says Flame War.

 

They decide to sit in front of the General Store and whittle. Because neither has a knife, they just pretend to whittle while they wait.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"What nonsense is this? I demand to know where we are!" says Lord Rawl.

 

Dr. Gloom stands beside him, hunkering down into his flowing cape. A torrential downpour obscures the landscape, but they see they are on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere. In the distance, a single light cuts through the ebony night.

 

"And how should I know where we are, you mentally challenged pile of housefly waste? We're on a road somewhere, and it's raining. There, you're up to speed, potty-training drop-out."

 

"There is a light in the distance. Perhaps we can seek shelter there."

 

"Did you or did you not see me take a step toward the direction of the light?"

 

"I thought you were stamping your feet to communicate 'I'm chilled in this rain'."

 

"If I were stamping my feet, Lord 'my brain is the size of a butterfly's sneeze', I would have remained in one place. If you'll note the position of my feet, you'll clearly see that my right foot is a full 21 millimeters more north-east than my left. This, my thought-impaired associate, is called 'a step'."

 

"Are you going to describe each step in this way, or would you be willing to string them all together in a silent dash so that we can get out of this downpour? Wait -- it doesn't matter." Lord Rawl bolts ahead of Dr. Gloom, racing toward the light.

 

Gloom is left standing, one foot a wee bit in front of the other, until he realizes that Rawl got the jump on him. Unwilling to ever be bested in any way on any issue, Gloom pours on the speed. Unfortunately, he carries enough extra pounds to make it a very uneven race. Rawl is on his 3rd cigarette by the time Gloom puffs his way up the creaking front steps of a small boarding house.

 

"I... would... have... won if you... hadn't... cheated..."

 

"If by 'cheated' you mean my habit of releasing my buttocks from the sweet embrace of the living room couch more than twice a day for meals, then yes, you're correct."

 

"As long as... I'm right... that's all that... matters," says Gloom.

 

Before Rawl could snap a rejoinder, the door of the boarding house creeks open. Framed against the inky blackness is one of the most beautiful women either of the two men has ever seen -- and between them, they've seen at least 7 women.

 

"Guh..."

 

"Hrgm..."

 

"Hello, boys. Looking for shelter on a rain and windswept night?" she asks. Her voice has the musical timber of a well-tuned cello. The melody creeps inside the souls of the two villains, warming heart cells that have lain dormant since the womb.

 

"Hrgm."

 

"Guh."

 

"C'mon in, handsome," she says with a crook of her finger. Like lemmings, they follow her inside, no longer cognizant of the rain, or the road, or the sudden mystery of their appearance in this desolate place.

 

"She called me handsome," says Gloom.

 

"She was SO looking at me," says Rawl.

 

"Was not!"

 

"Was too!"

 

"Not!"

 

"Too!"

 

"Care for a drink?" The woman points to two overstuffed chairs facing a roaring fire. "I have scotch or bourbon."

 

Both men speak at once, not wanting the other to order her favorite before he can. "Scotch. No bourbon! No, Scotch! No--"

 

"I'll surprise you," she says and disappears into the kitchen.

 

The two villains high five each other.

 

Suddenly, a chilling voice with the sound of a violin played by a 3rd grader who never had lessons, arrests the attention of both men.

 

"Go! Go from this place! Go while you still live! Or beware the consequences!"

 

A minute ticks by on the grandfather clock. "Umm... that disembodied voice is probably something we should pay attention to," says Rawl.

 

"Yes, very much so."

 

Several more seconds tick by.

 

"A frightening voice, wasn't it?"

 

"Quite eerie."

 

"And not a friendly message."

 

"Terrifying."

 

"We stay for the hot babe in the kitchen?"

 

"I didn't even have to think about it."

 

They high five again.

 

To be continued...

 

 

 

 

[WEBHEAD]

BUMP BACK UP.....

[Jagull]

now all we need is artwork

 

lets all draw a few pages

[minutekev@50]

BUMP

[minutekev@50]

Bump

 

[minutekev@50]

[minutekev@50]

keepin' hope alive....

[Joanna]

Chapter 11, Part 13: Is She Serious???

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Negative Lad (Murpho) can affect self-esteem

Larry Von Dork (Werner Von Doom) evil scientist

Fission (Rob_React) Atomic powers

Pyro (Blazingbob) Pyro powers

Ki-Zar (Comicwiz) Killer lizard

Origami (Kevthemev) power over paper

Runt (BigMan) Shrinking power

Squatter (Lantern) knee laser beams

Flying Donut (Flying Donut) Flight

Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) not all that deceased

Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream

Month Guy (Johnny Double) Lord of Time Stream

 

Chapter 11, Part 13: Is She Serious???

 

 

The Bad Brigade stands in the middle of a forest, flummoxed by their current situation.

 

"Who remembers charging the two agents in the time stream?" asks Pyro.

 

Everyone raises his hand.

 

"Who knows how to get back?"

 

All the hands go down.

 

"Great."

 

"We have apparently ripped through the fabric of time and landed in a forested area," says Larry Von Dork.

 

"Ya think?" says Pyro, exasperated.

 

"Well, no one else was stating the obvious. And for those among us who were shorted in the brains department, I wanted to help out."

 

"I'm small, but I'm not stupid!" says Runt. No one hears him because he is muffled by the leaves he is standing in.

 

"None of us are insufficiently_thoughtful_persons," says Squatter. "We just, well, how do we get back?"

 

"Time portal," says Larry.

 

"Duh!" says the group in unison.

 

"I meant, 'how do we find the freaking time portal'?" says Squatter.

 

"Okay, geniuses, you tell me," Larry says, feeling unappreciated.

 

"Shh! Someone's coming!" says Fission. "Hide!"

 

"Easy for you to say," says Ki-Zar. He scurries up a tree and changes his skin color to match the bark. "Actually, that wasn't hard at all. I have camouflage powers!"

 

"Damn lizard," says Negative Lad, trying to find a hiding place. All the good ones were taken.

 

Neg Lad lies on the ground and throws some leaves over himself just as the voices grow closer. The entire Bad Brigade holds their collective breath, waiting to see what sort of hideous place they've landed in.

 

A bunny and a turtle hop and walk down the path.

 

"So I says to her, I says, 'Nertz, LucyBelle! He ain't half the rabbit I am!"

 

"What did she do?"

 

"Do? What else could she do? She threw a pie at me and went off hopping mad!"

 

"The animals can talk," whispers Larry to Runt, who is hiding under his chin.

 

"You truly do enjoy stating the obvious," whispers Runt.

 

"This is freaking me out," whispers Neg Lad, inching closer to his teammates. The leaves rustle with every movement.

 

The bunny and the turtle stop.

 

"Didja hear that, Terry?" asks the bunny.

 

"Sounded like ruslting leaves, Sonny."

 

"Rustlers! Here? We'd better warn the others!" Sonny hops off.

 

"Wait for me--!" says Terry, doubling his speed.

 

An hour later, when Terry is finally out of sight, the Bad Brigade rises stiffly from their hiding places.

 

"Animals who can talk? This sucks," says Origami.

 

"What's wrong with animals that can talk?" asks Ki-Zar. "I'm a talking lizard, you bigot."

 

"You started off as human! These are animals -- little bunnies and turtles and things."

 

"I think the turtle is actually a tortoise," says Squatter.

 

"Oh, well, that makes it aaaaall better!" says Origami.

 

"Let's look for that portal. I don't want to be here when those freaks return," says Pyro.

 

"Et tu, Pyro?" asks Ki-Zar dramatically.

 

"Go sun yourself on a rock, Ki-Zar. We're not talking about you, okay? Just them. Although they seem like cuddly, funny animals, they could be man-eaters for all we know. I say we get out of here."

 

"Man-eaters? That lets me out," says Ki-Zar, chuckling.

 

"I'm with Pyro," says Runt. "I saw Monty Python. I know about killer rabbits. Especially at my size!"

 

"Let's go," says Fission.

 

"I say we search for the portal," says Larry.

 

They groan as they head in the opposite direction of the turtle or tortoise, who was probably not that far away.

 

Meanwhile...

 

In the Time Stream, Donut, House, Bee, RTP, and KostumeKween stand alone, with just the two agents for company.

 

"So..." says Donut.

 

"Yeah..." says House.

 

"Beautiful day," says Bee.

 

"There are no 'days' in the time stream," says Newt.

 

"Nope, I guess there aren't," says RTP. "You have to give it to them on that point. No days at all."

 

"Not a one," says KK.

 

"So..." says Donut.

 

"Yeah..." says House.

 

"I, um, think I'm getting a headache," says Bee.

 

Newt and Jonny look at each other, worried. "You are a most ill-healthed group." They look around, making sure there's no one left to rush them.

 

"What we've been trying to tell you," says Newt.

 

"Is that we can't allow ill-health in the time stream," finishes Jonny. "And because of that, we'd like to take you to the beginning of time and put you all in the hospital, for observation.

 

The JBH perk up.

 

"The beginning of time?" asks Donut.

 

"You're going to just take us to the beginning of time?" asks House.

 

"As simple as that? I get a headache, and we get a free trip past the checkpoint to the beginning of time?" asks Bee.

 

"Yeees," says Jonny, thinking he's dealing with simpletons.

 

"And the rest of our group? Can you retrieve them from the time stream?" asks KK.

 

"No, they're stuck."

 

"What if they found a portal or something?" asks RTP.

 

Both agents laugh. "Portal? What's a portal? There's no such thing."

 

"So there's no way for them to get from wherever they are back into the time stream, or to the place where we jumped in, or to the beginning of time?" asks Bee.

 

"Nope. They're all goners," says Jonny.

 

"Huh."

 

"Hmm."

 

"That's a shame."

 

"Ready to go?" asks Newt.

 

The JBH nods. The checkpoint disappears and the handful of remaining heroes tumble down toward the beginning of time.

 

End of Issue 11. To be continued in Issue 12.

 

 

 

 

Issue 12, Part 1: Lost in Time

 

Solar Powers in the Time of Dinosaurs

 

"He's catching up!" shouts Pluto!

 

"Everyone orbit him! That will confuse him and he won't be able to catch any of us!" says Jupiter.

 

"Since I'm always the tightest orbit, and therefore closest, wouldn't that just make him concentrate on me?" asks Mercury.

 

"And thereby saving us all!" says Jupiter. "Thank you for your sacrifice."

 

"Where have I heard that before? Oh yes! I remember! It was when you guys went to eat burritos at the Loca Cabesa while I was almost turned into mush in the Archi-Moderator's ship!"

 

"But that was so long ago, Merc. No one even remembers that anymore," says earth.

 

"Yeah," says Neptune, taking his distant orbit, "You're way past due for another sacrifice."

 

Mercury stops orbiting, ticked off at his teammates. "Now look here, all of you. I am Mercury, not some stupid asteroid you can fling at a T Rex as a snack. I will not stand for this ill-treatment any more!"

 

The T Rex stands above the stationary Mercury and opens his enormous jaws. Merc feels a glob of saliva hit his shoulder.

 

"Get lost, you extinct version of Big Bird," he shouts, and fries the T-Rex in a burst of Mercurial flames. The T-Rex screams -- a high, girlish sound, like Bug when he's calling someone a liar -- and dies on the spot.

 

The rest of the planets slowly return.

 

"Huh, I guess we sorta forgot we all had powers and stuff," says Uranus.

 

"Um... yeah. Good flaming," says Mars.

 

"We should probably get back to looking for that portal now," says Saturn.

 

"Let's go," says Venus. "Good job, Merc."

 

The Hostess Hoard in the Land of the Neanderthals

 

The Hostess Hoard and the small tribe of Neanderthals are sitting around a fire in a cave, eating Mammoth á l'orange.

 

"Mm, mm, MM! This is dee-licious!" says Snowball. "I never thought I'd like mammoth, let alone with l'orange."

 

"Glakgoo! Do grka gleet," says the Neanderthal leader, who is nicknamed 'Big Red' by the Hoard because one of them was in the mood for gum.

 

His daughter runs to the fire pit, pulls another chunk of mammoth off and hands it to Snowball. She giggles seductively. Snowball glances up at her heavy brow ridges and receding chin.

 

"Thanks, cutie," he says, tearing into the meat and letting the juices flow down his chin. "What's your name?"

 

She giggles again and grunts, "Goo."

 

"Nice to meet you, Goo," says Snowball between bites.

 

Twinkie stops in mid-chew. "Goo?"

 

She glances at Twinkie, sighs, pulls herself away from Snowball and tosses him some meat.

 

Twinkie looks around at his teammates. "Her name is Goo? That's the goo Big Red was talking about!"

 

"Holy [!@#%^&^]," says Susie Q. "He's trying to marry off his daughter!"

 

"Man, I'm stuffed!" says Snowball, rubbing his food-distended belly. "That was great! Did you make it yourself, Goo?"

 

She flashes a smile full of large, white teeth. "Gribbledack glorg."

 

"I have no idea what you're saying, but if that was a yes, my compliments."

 

"What the heck are we going to do?" asks Ho Ho. "If we run away now, they'll hunt us down and kill us. For all we know, eating mammoth is a wedding ceremony!"

 

"How are we going to get gifts? My credit card is over the limit," says Ding Dong.

 

"Yes, that's the real problem," says Fruit Pie. "Not the fact that we're trapped in the stone age with a marriage-minded gorilla."

 

"Hey! They're not gorillas! They're Neanderthals. Give them some dignity," says Snowball.

 

"Your wife wants to talk to you," says Cupcake, motioning to Goo who was standing impatiently next to Snowball, waving her arms.

 

"What is it, Goo?"

 

"Gribbledack glorg!" she says.

 

"Uh huh. Yeah. I have no idea what that means," says Snowball.

 

She points to the area between his legs, tapping her foot.

 

Snowball catches on and blushes. "Uh... no thank you?"

 

"Glorg! Glorg!!!!" she shouts.

 

"Glorg!" says her father.

 

"Anyone care for some dessert?" Snowball makes a donut out of Hostess goo and hands it to Goo. She stares at it. He makes another for himself and takes a bite out of it. The white creamy filling leaves a small moustache behind.

 

Goo takes a tentative bite. "Whuh!" she exclaims as the creamy sweetness envelopes her tongue. She hands the donut to her father. He, too, reacts in happy surprise.

 

Instantly, the Hoard starts whipping up fancy-looking confections out of Hostess goo.

 

"Keep at it, lads. It's possible that with the right amount of ingested goo, they might all pass out from insulin shock. Then we could sneak away."

 

Goo grabs Snowball and plants a huge, gooey kiss on his lips. "Mmmmm..." she murmers, her eyes filled with love.

 

"Worth a try!" say the Hoard, stepping up production.

 

To be continued...